Feedback, anyone?

It's been kind of lonely here lately. I got an occasional comment now and then, but recently I got basically no feedback so I wonder if anyone is reading my blog any longer or the readers are just robots from Russia.

If you happen to read my blog more or less regularly, please make a comment and let me know if you practice zazen, if you study with a teacher or something. I have really no idea who reads my blog, why, where, etc. I do get quite a lot of hits, but as I said, no idea who the people are. So it would help a lot if you tell me something so I get a kick and write for someone, not just myself or this computer or robots.

Thank you.      

Ca ira!

In the past I was very proud of my ability to explain various aspects of the Buddhist philosophy. I  don't feel that pride any more. Of course I did not say much to anyone, but I thought so - I'm someone who has a great ability to explain Buddhism. And I imagined that in a few years I would publish a book of my essays on Buddhism. (Today I don't want to publish my old essays, except maybe a few. )

I also always wanted to return to mental clarity, brightness. When I fell into a state of confusion or irritation, I felt that I'd failed horribly. I believed that a good Buddhist talks about their own delusions, but basically never has any! I imagined that Buddhist teachers had a sense of reality that I was far away from. So I tried to get rid of my confusion and ignorance whenever there was the opportunity to do so. I always sought a state of calm and clarity. Thanks to zazen I could regularly return to similar states. Then, in a state like that I enjoyed writing articles about Buddhism or giving a talk at the Prague Lotus Center. I didn't realize that I was carrying a big piece of idealism in my head, which prevented me from becoming free and myself. I saw a clear difference between wisdom on the one hand and ignorance on the other, the truth as opposed to delusion, people who are true versus people who are deluded.  I had no idea that there is something not fixed about buddhas, something not clear about the truth, something very, very open about our lives, something completely open and free about each of us, some kind of quality that we cannot clearly notice and fix, a situation of no limits, which is where we act like or express ourselves perfectly as buddhas. Long time ago I realized that the truth cannot be grasped by mind, but for some reason at that time I didn't realize that people are also like that, ineffable, that I am also ineffable, impossible to fix in a category. I could drink tea without calling it tea, I could walk without calling it walk, I could see flowers without calling them flowers, but I could not see myself as a quality without names. I always wanted to know who I am, what my function is, what my rank is, what value I have, what wisdom or silliness I have, what I mean to others, what I know, what I don't know. I had no idea that I could put aside such evaluations and concerns and just enjoy being "unlabeled, beyond ranks or values".   We cannot always clearly decide who is true or false, who is awake and who is not, as most of the time none of us is fixed or stuck in a rigid cage that has a name or label. We can notice that some people are usually confused and some people are often clear. We can notice that some people look for something and some people may naively believe that they have found something fixed. Genuine teachers are able to point to the place which has no name or rank. Then we can find freedom in that place and live our life freely. Master Dogen wrote that he had completed the task of unfinished, never-ending practice. I would say that as he had completed that task, master Dogen's life simply began to mean never-ending chain of momentary tasks. We could call it freedom, or a challenge after challenge.

As for people who are awake, I think it is similar to the situation of a tree. Does a tree show off its awakening? The tree expresses the truth but firstly the tree is not aware of such a situation, secondly,  it never speaks about its own awakening. It doesn't shout: "I radiate awakening. I am an enlightened tree, I am a buddha tree." So good teachers never say about themselves - here, here, can't you see I am a Buddha? That would be so absurd. The Buddhas do not need to fix this situation and show others. When you are in a state of confusion, you don't have to say, oh, I'm not Buddha ... because just as you are going to say what you are or you aren't, the situation has changed and you may be completely free again, so your words come too late. If you attain a state of clarity and want to say it, you have already fallen into a state of cloudiness. So we can only try to point to situations that we cannot experience at the very moment of opening our mouths. The ideas are always only shadows of actual situations. Anyway, speaking or acting, when the Buddhist teachers express the state of Buddha, they express the reality itself, not their abilities or skills or wisdom. When ringing the bell or raising a stick, they show the reality itself, not their personal opinions or personal qualities. These teachers may seem confident, they may be confident, but the kind of confidence that matters is transcending one's personal attitude, so they immediately forget themselves boldly and act - step into sheer reality. They may say things such as: "I do not know who I am, I don't know if I understand Buddhism," and then they hit the bell. Just that.

Master Dogen wrote: "The actual situation is where we feel that we have forgotten what we know and when we achieve that, we have overcome the mind." So it is important to forget what we have learned. That was exactly my weakness. I was proud of what I'd  learned, what experience I had, proud of my understanding of Buddhism. So I was a kind of rabbit with horns. Maybe sincere, maybe honest at times, but definitely a rabbit with horns. And even now I may be a rabbit with horns. In my own essays I wrote: "Forget what you know and just do something." Of course, I did something many times during the day and didn't think about myself. That's why I enjoyed skiing, cycling, golf... swimming in the sea. In those situations I could be free, free from my own silly ideas about who I was and wasn't. Only during such activities, I was really able to forget myself and enter reality - like everyone else who's doing something completely. But once I had time to think about myself, I became a desperate idealist. It devoured and broke me, over and over again. It knocked me down and messed up my original innocence. "You're not good enough!" an idealistic cop shouted at me from a corner of my brain. Well, I would say today, nobody is good enough and everyone is good enough. The efforts we make are important, but our evaluation should be put aside. So good enough or not good enough, the most important is to get up in the morning and follow the tasks each day presents, moment after moment, till we go to sleep. And start again in the morning. At times I tried to push very hard and at times I slowed down so much that I felt almost on the verge of dying. Now, we may believe that we have slowed down or hurried up, but the time and space doesn't care. No matter how little or hard we try, we cannot mislead time and space, we'll be always here and now, in this very body and mind. Reality is pretty sheer. You can change reality, for sure, but you cannot change it by thinking. By thinking you can prepare actions that will change reality, so thinking or understanding Buddhism is important. But only certain kind of understanding or right understanding leads to actions that come from the right attitude. So not trying to hurry things up or slowing things down. Just actions at the present moment.  

When we try hard to get rid of our illusions, or when we try to get rid of our imperfections, mistakes, or whenever we try to be someone other than who we already are... it's all against the meaning of Buddhism. The effort is important in Buddhism, but it must be the right effort. It is not about removing illusions and establishing brightness. It is not getting rid of weaknesses. Although we learn as we practice and study, we do not learn to be stronger. The strength we may get as we practice is our original nature. The weaknesses we still have, are our original nature. A butterfly cannot eat a tiger. A tiger cannot swim across the lake. A human being wants to have sex. So when we see what is natural, we can say, OK, whatever, and just return to our everyday life. A butterfly is too weak to fly across Africa, so it flies only across the meadow. A tiger is too heavy to sit on a flower, so it sits on a boulder. A human being is too intelligent to act like a frog, so a human being studies philosophy. When we practice zazen, we can see our weakness and smile. It is OK. When we want to deny our weakness, we become stiff and break ourselves or someone else sooner or later. We don't have to become some kind of samurais, who never make a wrong step. Rather we should just forget our ideas about ourselves, buddhas, enlightenment and just do something, all day long. Stupidly act, moment after moment, even when we read a wonderful book of philosophy, we can read it stupidly, that means like a child, a very curious child. When we don't' study Buddhism stupidly, we mix the authentic teaching with our intellectual ideas and spoil the whole thing, the whole teaching. So we have to be careful about our ability to think and judge. Of course we have a great goal - to realize the truth of Buddhism - and I'm not saying that we should slack and make no efforts. Just the efforts should be somehow stupid and simple, every day, day after day, over and over, somehow simply doing what is necessary to do and not worry how great we are or how great others are. A teacher is someone who helps, that help is primary, his or her possible greatness is secondary. But many people make the mistake of judging the teacher without seeing his offered help. When you get to know your teacher very well, you may notice that he or she is not that great, but what they point to is more than great. And they, as long as they are authentic, never ever point to themselves as the goal of your efforts. You do not follow the teacher, you follow their directions. They may tell you to go left whereas they go right. After all you will meet them in the real world and there will be no directions, only the north, south, west and east.

Master Dogen also wrote: "Generally speaking, students want to be caught by the truth. Being caught by the truth means to lose all traces of enlightenment." This means that no matter if we think that we are enlightened or not, in both cases, we should ditch the ideas about enlightenment and just do something. This is something that I have written about a zillion times already, but I never realized what it meant. Of course, when I was swimming in the sea, I did realize, but as a whole, my life was broken into pieces of different ideas and attitudes toward myself and reality. Such a situation is impossible to cure if you have no access to a true teacher. Only a true teacher can notice that you haven't realized something important, that something important is missing. We ourselves are too busy following our own ideas about Buddhism that prevent us from seeing what Buddhism truly is. So we must make sure that we are learning from an experienced teacher and let the teacher know about our progress and problems and questions.

People who do not practice zazen, also express the truth of Buddhism. Even people who cheat, in a way, express the truth of Buddhism. But it is our human nature to live honestly and well. No matter how many weaknesses we have, we tend to end up living honestly and well. That is our nature. If you try hard to hammer your nature, you may end up a criminal or a complete fool, but if you look after yourself at least a little bit sincerely, you will allow your nature to shine from time to time. Just the thing is that when we do not practice zazen, this natural disposition of ours may be obscured, or blocked by our ideas about ourselves and the world. So we tend to follow some crazy movements or crowds and ignore the direction from which the truth comes. When we study Buddhism and practice zazen, we tend to live quite well. And if others say that we are good people, we should say, no, I am not so sure about that... We can't just simply declare whether we are good people or not. It doesn't matter. What matters is our everyday practice and everyday efforts in each moment, no matter if we fail or succeed.

I will continue to write this blog, but I hope it will not be driven by my desire to raise above others and become an important person. I do not want to hide away in the mountains, but I don't want to shout at people about Buddhism either... Anyway, the goal of life is life itself. This is very easy to say, but extremely difficult to realize. But, you know what, ca ira!

Making Efforts for the Sake of Efforts

Some people may think that in order to become a great person and realize what Buddhism is, they have to attain some kind of wonderful personality. We may think that one day we will become great Buddhists, but first we have to make some extraordinary efforts and learn extraordinary skills. But after all we have to let go of our ideas about Buddhism and great Buddhists of the past, present and future and return to our actual life and deal with our actual problems. In Buddhism it is much more important to make efforts for the sake of efforts than make efforts in order to receive results.

For example, at work I learned after many years of trying hard to be a better teacher that it is better to just make efforts this lesson, this week, this month, without worrying about my past mistakes and how much my students will learn when I try hard to teach them. So now I just make my efforts every day, sometimes it is going on well, sometimes not, sometimes I am exhausted and sometimes I am full of energy. At times I am a bit pessimistic and some other times a bit optimistic, but in general, I just make my efforts to teach English, over and over and over again. That makes me a real English teacher. Even if some people say that I am a very good English teacher, I don't know if I deserve that evaluation. Even if some people criticize me, I think they may not understand what it takes to teach English. But of course, I have never been an ideal, perfect English teacher and never will be.

It is exactly the same in Buddhism. At the beginning you wonder what it takes to become some kind of well respected Buddhist, a great human being. But after many years of practice and study you have to admit that the only thing that really matters is making efforts every day for the sake of efforts. So after all, even if some people say that you are an idiot and don't understand Buddhism, if you are making efforts sincerely to live your life, that's all you can do and the best you can do. If some people say, hey, look at that person, what a wonderful Buddhist!,  you know they may have very little idea what that wonderful Buddhist actually is in real life. They don't know his or her weaknesses and bad hair days.

You make efforts and necessarily notice all the mistakes you have made. I have just vacuumed my bedroom and realized that no matter how hard I try, I can never ever vacuum the carpet perfectly. No matter how hard we may try, we can never ever clean anything perfectly. And it is the same in Buddhism - no matter how many hours of zazen you practice every day, no matter how many enlightenments you experience, no matter how many sesshins you go to, no matter how many times you read  Shobogenzo, you can never ever become a perfectly enlightened person and can never claim that you have finished or completed anything in your life. Even if people think that so and so is a great Buddhist teacher, the teacher knows: "I only make efforts, I have experience but there is always something I can learn. I will never stop making efforts." I am not talking about people I dream about. I can notice how my teacher makes efforts in his everyday life and never stops. I doubt he will tell you that has finished learning what life is.

So only making efforts, day after day, no matter how many times we stumble, is the point. We may have been infected with ideas about wonderful Chinese masters of which we only know great things. But they probably made a mistake after mistake, never becoming perfect, never rigidly completing the tasks of every day life and saying "Now I am a perfect human being". They just kept making efforts. And master Dogen wrote that at one point he completed the task of never-ending practice. So in other words, master Dogen at one point realized that the meaning of Buddhism is never to stop making efforts, never to stop practicing, never to stop learning.

When we realize that making efforts is all we have to do, and  when we realize that while making efforts we necessarily make mistakes and that we can never do anything perfectly, we just let go of the idea that we could become great or special. We realize that we can only be ordinary people who make efforts like my grandma did. Day after day, she worked, never complained, never said she was great. She was happy when she finished her job well, but she started the next day, and did the same thing day after day. She knew that her task, her mission was just to do her duties and enjoy spending time with her grandchildren and scold my grandpa when she found him smoking at the toilet.

Now we should also understand that we make efforts and mistakes within the universe that is perfectly clear and without an error. We are playing in the midst of something great. We can never finish anything or make anything that would be on par  with the universal greatness. On the other hand, we are part of the universal greatness, no matter how hard we may try to mess up things. Even if we never take a shower, never clean our house and yell at people all the time, we can never escape the great clarity of the universe. Now why do Buddhists make efforts if we are part of something perfectly bright? It is the same situation with trees and grass. Why do they grow even if they have to die? Why are there trees and bugs and why do they reproduce if the universe is wonderful even without them? It is their nature to move and change and do something. We are people, we are part of the living world on this planet, so we cannot stop making efforts. Just like birds, cows, bugs, bacteria or the wind and rain, we are very dynamic and active. Now what kind of actions are natural and what kind of actions are sick? When we practice zazen, we reconnect with the source of our life, we reconnect to the universal law and that reconnection sends signals to our body and mind and we act naturally. We make the right kinds of efforts. Yet making the right efforts does not prevent us from making mistakes. Even ants and bees make mistakes, all living beings make mistakes, but having made a mistake, they try again. Have you seen a toddler learning to walk? Do they worry about making mistakes? No. They walk and fall down. They raise and walk again. They fall. They get up and fall again. This is an example of a perfect Buddhist life, this is how we should live. And even when we learn to walk, there are zillions of other things we have to deal with. Do trees ever stop growing? Not until they dry up. Do they ever stop trying? Never as long as they are alive. Do bees ever say:  "Finished, I am now a perfect bee, I am not going to do anything any more!"? No. Never. If we want to live a life of a buddha, all we have to do is making efforts every day, no matter if we make mistakes or not, and never stop. Let's join the efforts of mountains and clouds and do things for the sake of things. Then results will appear, just like a beautiful old pine has appeared on a cliff overlooking the endless sea.

Follow the Serpent's Tip

Here's a little disclaimer: All my articles, all my suggestions or explanations of Buddhism are directed towards me as well as towards whoever is interested or might benefit from my articles. So even if an article I have written seems like something I am telling others, in fact, I am the first to receive and hopefully benefit from such instructions. I need them - provided they are useful and true teachings. I don't know if my teaching is authentic but it is definitely some efforts to teach myself what I learned from good teachers, both people I met and teachings of people like master Dogen or Shunryu Suzuki whom I never met but whose teaching is studied in our lineage respectfully.   

When you don't think about it too much, you are IT, just that what you have always wanted to be, a free, simple person who is not overwhelmed by their intellectual questions and doubts.  Maybe you thought you would be as smart as those zen masters who give spiritual advice to others. But the help is not about being smart or knowing some kind of secret. The help is about directions to your simple, original, free self. So when you are doing something right now, you are perfectly on par with that Chinese layman Pang who said: "How wonderful! I draw water, I carry fuel."

So you are that person, that very original and perfectly unfinished, open person you always wanted to be. The thing is you might want to be a finished person, someone who has achieved something fixed, something stable or eternal, but actually, that desire for a fixed person, a fixed buddha is really against the very freedom and openness we practice and quest for in Buddhism. So when you let go of that fixed idea about who you are or who you want to be, then right then you are that, IT, the person, the real thing. There is absolutely nothing you have to add to that person. On the contrary, whenever you add something artificial, something fixed, rigid, and idea, decoration, an aura, wisdom, knowledge, any kind of spiritual experience, you have lost your own Tathagata - the person who has just appeared before thinking and after thinking, a person who is not bound by words or ideas.

We can have all kinds of goals. To graduate from college, to start a family, to make a million dollars, to have a few wonderful kids, to find a good Buddhist teacher, to realize who you really are, these are all wonderful goals and we need to set such goals in our lives, but after all, the most important goal of all goals is to live our life day after day. The utmost purpose of our life is just to live it. It is like a journey you have to continue. Rain or shine, you keep walking. Even if you stop for a drink in a pub, then you continue your journey, you don't give up. It doesn't matter if the weather is nice or not, whether you feel tired or energetic, optimistic or pessimistic, grumpy or excited. The most important thing is to continue. This is how the quality of buddha can shine over and over, every day, and that's how the original quality of the universe meets the original quality of a person.
 
What kind of life would you like to live? I think the best would be to live just the life that is unfolding right in front of you. It is like accepting the shoes you are wearing even if they aren't very comfortable. We only have this life, this person so it is best to make the best out of this life, these genes, this mouth, this nose, this age, this talent, this weakness, this situation, this town, this computer, this keyboard, this moment. It is not necessary to dream about someone else's life or imitate others or try to become somebody that we can never ever be. It is best to accept who we are - basically - and work with that. I am not saying we cannot change, but in Buddhism, the changes are not as important as the essence we have brought to this life from our mother's womb, the very thing we have always been. We learn, we make some progress and sooner or later we can meet ourselves completely. Sooner or later we can shake hands with ourselves. We can accept ourselves, this life, this situation. That's why Kodo Sawaki said that zazen has no goal. When we feel balanced after zazen, that is wonderful, but the less we try to attain something through zazen, the closer we are to our true self, and the true self is something we don't have to look for or attain, it is always here, just when we don't think about it.

Doing something simple, or asking a question or taking a pill or going to bed, without categories, without fixed ideas about ourselves and others, we can taste the freedom of Tathagata. So just let go of ideas and categories and the gate of the mental prison will open and you will be able to follow the serpent's tip - you'll grab the apple, eat it and step in to the Buddha's paradise! We don't know what Buddha's paradise is, as it cannot be found intellectually, but we can experience it when we just act, when we just practice zazen.

   

Dropping Off Things and People

Recently I've been thinking about whether we should purposely try to drop off body and mind or attain a state of dropping body and mind  or whether we should attain some kind of samadhi when we practice zazen.  Master Dogen mentions dropping off body and mind and samadhi from time to time.  On the other hand master Dogen seems to teach that just practicing here and now is enough, no matter how we feel -  confused, eager, impatient or whatever we feel. Just practicing is enlightenment and realization of the way. So it seems both is important, so which one is correct? Should we just practice zazen no matter how we feel or should we somehow cultivate zazen in order to attain the state of dropping off body and mind?  This is what I have been thinking about.

In Eihei Koroku, a record of master Dogen's short talks, master Dogen says: "Dropping off body and mind is the beginning of our efforts."  I see, so we should start with that ultimate thing!  That's a very interesting point. Master Dogen says that we shouldn't hope to gradually improve our zazen and one day drop off body and mind and then we will attain something. No. He basically says: Start with the ultimate. And that explains the problem whether we should try to make our zazen something wonderful, step by step, improve zazen, so one day it will be some kind of wonderful samadhi, that kind of enlightenment that you could talk about when you come across the teaching that zazen and satori is one. Some people may admit that if their zazen is some kind of  great samadhi, then it is enlightenment. But master Dogen basically says something else: Start with the ultimate, which explains what I have been wondering about recently. To start with the ultimate means that just when you sit down, at that very moment, immediately, drop off body and mind.  That means, just sit, don't worry about enlightenment,  don't worry about the depth of your zazen, don't worry about how you feel, or who you are, just sit, start with the ultimate, drop off body and mind right away.

It is like holding a knife: instead of thinking about how deep or shallow your state is, you just cut through the meat. You don't care if the knife is sharp or not, steel or not, you just cut. That's not different from dropping off body and mind. With this imperfect body and imperfect mind, and with doubts and confusion, just sit, just act, that's dropping off body and mind. Of course we have lots of ideas, Buddhist philosophy is complex and does cover a lot of issues and aspects. But all these theories should help us to always return to the ultimate, which is just reality here and now. Studying Buddhist philosophy and practicing zazen is not an idea that one day suddenly I will become enlightened, or that I will become enlightened gradually. Buddha Dharma, practicing zazen means that you have to give it all from the very beginning. That doesn't mean having to leave your family or practice zazen eight hours a day. It doesn't mean you have to make some fantastic efforts.  To give it all just means that when you sit down and begin to practice zazen, at that moment, just let go of everything. And then an idea comes up, like I am not... you are....and she, and buddha...  just let go of such ideas. Over and over again. And again. Zazen is a simple action here and now. Like this, you solve all your problems, you have realized what Buddhism is, you've dropped off body and mind and you have attained enlightenment. Just do it. So I am talking to myself: Just do it!    

It is common to think: "Maybe I should try harder. I am not wise enough, not peaceful enough, what is wrong with my practice? I simply practice zazen, over and over again, so maybe I should practice in a way that would give me more balance, more strength, more confidence? What if the way  I practice is not good enough? What if I have made my practice a routine without sincere efforts?" These are important questions. We should definitely practice sincerely. But the thing is that we completely realize the way when we just use that knife and cut the meat. When we do this, or whatever we do, completely. In that single moment, you do something completely. We are human, so we have positive and negative thoughts. We may have ideas about what is wise or deep and what is stupid and shallow. But we tend to underestimate or totally ignore the value of a simple action that we just simply carry out, sincerely carry out something mundane.

Yesterday I went to a party and I was thinking: "Why am I not more balanced and confident?" I thought I had to improve something in my life. Today I was looking for master Dogen's teaching about dropping off body and mind and I was thinking, if zazen is just sitting here and now, so what is dropping off body and mind, is that some kind of advanced state of zazen? No, later I found out that it is about beginning with dropping off body and mind, so no matter what we do, no matter how we feel, we can always drop off body and mind, which means we can always act in the present moment. If you feel strange at a party, you can still pour some wine and have a sip. You can go or you must go to the toilet. You can go home. You always have to act. So rather than thinking too much, we can focus on the single actions and find freedom there, freedom from our subjective thoughts and relax, just drop off everything, and do something.

If you come to a teacher and you tell him or her that you would like to learn what Buddhism is, maybe you will say: "What am I supposed to do?" Actually, that teacher will say, first of all, you must wake up.  I have never realized that it is like that. Whenever you come  to a Buddhist temple or zen center, you always hear things like: First of all, take off your shoes, or first of all, have some tea. That means: First of all, wake up. You have to start with waking up. All this first of all, first of all, is not different from first of all, wake up. So start with the ultimate. So when you want to practice and study Buddhism, you always begin with the ultimate.  If you come across a teacher who keeps talking about how you will gradually become enlightened or gradually become wise, and how you are not a buddha yet, make sure it is a true teacher. A true teacher can recognize your true self and point to it, a true teacher does not say you are not a buddha, they just give you a push so you stop dreaming. And the teacher will be a living example of someone who simply acts, no matter how busy he or she is thinking from time to time, but someone who simply drops off body and mind in the middle of a simple, direct action.

My teacher Mike Luetchford sometimes says that learning Buddhism is similar to learning a sport or craft. Is this a big contradiction? Before I said you start with awakening. So how can you gradually learn to be some kind of mature person? This  is a paradox, but both is true. You do start with simple actions, simple awakenings, and for twenty years you may have lots of questions, but the difference after twenty years may be that some doubts have disappeared. Besides that, you may develop some kind of mature attitude, for example you stop believing in some advanced states of zazen or masters who are superhuman and make no mistakes. So you can gradually learn that Buddhism is not an idea or feeling or wonderful samadhi or interesting talks and impressing others, rather a very sloppy everyday life. Not sloppy in terms of sloppy actions, but sloppy in terms of being far from perfect. A life that has all kinds of problems and mistakes and pains. You can get used to this truth and find a strange kind of comfort there.

Anyway, somebody might wonder: Has master Dogen attained dropping body and mind after many many years of practice and questions and travels looking for a true teacher? It seems that when he said: "Body and mind dropped off," he meant that it took him decades. But he didn't say: "It took me decades to drop off body and mind." He just said "body and mind dropped off". Which doesn't mean he had never dropped off  body and mind before.  So why did ho go and tell his teacher? I think he had realized that a simple action of zazen (I mean zazen could be called a series of many simple actions of zazen) is not different from body and mind dropped off and that he had never failed to drop off body and mind when practicing zazen. But now he realized the importance of that simple experience and told his teacher. I don't think master Dogen meant to brag about something he attained after many years of hard practice. But maybe until then he never completely realized the meaning of a simple action of zazen.

You may be a cook and you may use a knife for years, and you may be an excellent cook. But you may have doubts: What is the meaning of cooking? And one day you realize that the meaning of cooking is this simple action here and now in the kitchen. While actually living, moment after moment, we often ask questions like what is the meaning of life, what is the truth, what is right and what is wrong? A cook, using this knife, over and over again, hardly ever asks, what is this knife, what am I doing, why am I cooking? Maybe some cooks do ask such questions. But most just keep cooking, keep acting, keep using the knife. So what we may realize after practicing zazen for some years, is that our sincere effort here and now is the ultimate thing in life. And this sincere effort, this simple action, is not different from dropping off body and mind, so in our simple, sincere efforts, we fulfill the ultimate task of a Buddhist life, something master Dogen was looking for in China. He wanted to know, what is the ultimate task of a Buddhist, and later he realized it was just living this life, no matter what, despite all kinds of problems.

There is no limit, no category, not a single person, not two people, not many people, not all sentient beings, when you drop off body and mind, it is the ultimate state of the whole universe. So it must be something ultimate. When you use a knife, and just do it, in that action, the subject, the object and everything else disappears. This action is complete and it is the complete action of the whole universe.  Dropping off body and mind is not a state in the future, it is not a state  in the past. It is not something you think about or feel. You may say that master Dogen noticed dropping off body and mind. Not his or somebody else's. The whole universe dropped off body and mind, and body and mind dropped off the whole universe. That is something beyond all kinds of levels of all kinds of samadhi. It is our life here and now, when we just do something, when we act simply and directly, when we put down the plate or when we move a chair.

When master Dogen returned to Japan, he said he came empty-handed. He had left China in China and brought Japan to Japan. So we can also act like that. When going to the kitchen, leave the living room behind and when coming to the living room, don't bring the kitchen with you. Although our lives may be very complicated and difficult, if we do not move kitchens to living rooms, our life will have a bright side. If we just practice zazen like children, not trying to attain a special state, our zazen practice will surely have a quality of buddhas.  

                   
   

   

The Backswing of Our Lives

It dawned upon me when I was working on my golf backswing. I have been working on my backswing for a few months and only recently I  noticed or recognized, how simple that movement is. And how important it is not to rush it.  

When we have to prepare something, the first thing that may occur to us is - in order to make this or that, I have to first... So naturally we tend to rush. It seems the preparation is less important than the goal. In Buddhism the preparation is the goal. That doesn't mean that in Buddhism we don't care about results. But any single moment of preparation is itself a very important result. So when we have a goal in our lives, we hope to achieve it as soon as possible. In Buddhism when we have a goal, it is OK, but then we immediately focus on what we are doing now. We cannot escape the very moment of here and now, so we'd better do our best. 

The meaning of backswing to me is that it shows exactly what happens if you think hitting the ball is more important than doing the backswing. Of course, intelligent people know that it is necessary to do things properly. Moment after moment. But in Buddhism, or typically in golf, people expect quick results or quick fun. And when the desired results don't come, the disappointed people put up with mediocrity. Buddhism becomes a bunch of nice ideas. Golf becomes a few nice shots and a lot of frustration all over the course. But if we want to find out who we really are, we need to care what we do and how we do it, otherwise it is very difficult to appreciate our true life. So making things in a rushed way or with an attitude that is too relaxed, doesn't work. 

In Buddhism you learn to find satisfaction here and now, even before you drink tea. Even if you are hungry, cooking is more important than eating at that moment. In golf I am learning to appreciate fully every little movement before I hit the ball. The urge to hit the ball is the first reaction. But the backswing means: No, first there is the backswing and you'd better do it properly. In Buddhism, to attain the truth is the noble and important goal. But how to attain it as quickly as possible? It is not about quickness, it is about what is going on right now. So, again, if necessary, go back to the kitchen and do the dishes. Golfers don't say that the backswing is the essence of golf. But it is. Every little movement you do within golf, is the essence of golf. Even putting on the golf shoes is the essence of golf. Every little moment of our life is important and potentially absolutely satisfying and absolutely meaningful.   

There is nowhere to rush. It all happens here and now. 



   

To Wake Up Is Better than LSD

I have written this article based on Brad Warner's article about taking psychedelic drugs. Here I am not just repeating what Brad had to write about the topic, rather I tried to add my point of view, or rather my experience with drugs versus practicing zazen. Here's the link to Brad's article:

https://hardcorezen.info/why-i-dont-do-psychedelic-drugs/3759 

To wake up doesn't mean to be more compassionate or kinder. To wake up means to be compassionate enough and kind enough, which sometimes means not kind at all or not compassionate at all.

Some people believe in all kinds of meditation techniques or psychedelic drugs that should make them kinder or more open to the world. To wake up is not like that. It means what is in front of me is in front of me - sometimes it is cold, sometimes hot, sometimes it is beautiful, sometimes it is ugly. Psychedelic drug users want to see things in a new way, nicer, more interesting, they want to see the world as if it was some kind of miracle. Or they want to be a bit special themselves. According to Buddha, the world is a miracle but what kind of miracle? Our naked existence already is a miracle, but what kind of miracle? It is only possible to see exactly what kind of miracle the world is when we are 100% sober and our mind is clear - that is when we are not intoxicated by any drugs or ideas or religions or movements or emotions. There is a lot of suffering and pain in this world. That's a fact. The question is how to deal with suffering and pain, our own and that of the others. According to Buddha, the best way to deal with our suffering and suffering of others is to wake up completely. Then we see that some kind of suffering must always continue, but the way we understand suffering when we see things clearly is different from the situation when we are intoxicated, be it by religion or ideas or drugs. Unfortunately, waking up is to many people just another kind of psychedelic drug -  you meditate and meditate until you get into some kind of fantastic state of consciousness. Yes, then you are unable to see the truth at all. So psychedelic drugs or meditation that leads to yet another fantastic state of consciousness has nothing to do with Buddha's awakening.

When we wake up, we see that our illusions, our suffering, our imagination, our feelings, all these are necessary to a certain degree. But we also see that it is possible to see things clearly, that it is possible to drop our biased viewpoint from time to time. That it is possible to return to the state of buddha. We see that the sitting silent in front of the wall for no obvious purpose is something that has an immense value. We see that just living without an obvious purpose has an immense value. We see that it is our duty to be a logical part of the universe rather than to be yet another crazy element in it. I am not saying that doing psychedelic drugs is wrong. It is as "wrong" as watching TV or eating candy. It is everybody's choice. But if you think that your choice, your individual choice is to practice the Way of Buddha,  then do not trust too much what the world has to say and what drugs make you feel or think. Rather be quiet for a while, sit down, stop moving for a while and listen. Listen to true sermons of buddhas. Listen to birds chirping and watch clouds moving. Those are things that show direction to the truth exactly. Drugs and opinions of people only show directions to other drugs and other opinions and there is no way out unless we decide to stop and see things clearly. If we cannot understand the meaning of birds' chirping or the value of clouds' colours, despite being sober and rational, how can we hope to understand what the meaning of life is when we take psychedelic drugs? That's like saying you can hear an ant run if you start shouting a lot.

When we practice zazen, we allow Buddha to enter this universe. When we do psychedelic drugs, we allow demons to dance in our head. I have taken psychedelic drugs about three times in my life. I noticed something was similar to zazen. A part of my mind opened up, but a different part got messed up. When we practice zazen, the whole mind opens completely. Then you can let go of mind and body. That doesn't mean you fly away and leave your body and mind in the room. What I mean is that when we let go of body and mind, nobody can claim what is my body or what is my mind. That my becomes irrelevant. If we take psychedelic drugs, it may be fun or helpful for one person, maybe three people. But if we practice zazen, the whole universe is changed. The mind of the universe comes back to its original state. Where is this mind of the universe? What is the original state of the universe? It's almost midnight. The trams are noisily passing by, the screen in front of me is bright.    

How Come Buddhism Is Useless?

A few years ago I went to the country with my girlfriend. We stayed in a kind of shabby chalet and in the morning I went to the corner and practiced zazen while everyone else was having breakfast outdoors. I heard someone asked my girlfriend what I was doing. She said I was practicing Buddhist meditation. The guy asked her if it helped me. She said: "No." At that time I was a bit angry. I wanted people to think that thanks to my Buddhist practice I was a better person. How come she said it made no difference? But now I know she was right. That Buddhist meditation hadn't helped me at all. I was the same stupid and weak person, no matter how often or regularly I practiced. And she knew. But today I know another thing. Buddhist practice should not help us. It should leave us alone. So if someone says today that Buddhist practice hasn't made me a better person, I will smile. There is something more important than one person becoming better or more peaceful. I'll try to explain this problem in this article now.  

We could understand Buddhism as two different things. Actually, those are very different things. If I say one of them is true Buddhism and the other is false, you will probably frown. Especially if I also say that in true Buddhism there is no room for Buddhism. Some time ago we asked our teacher if Buddhism had helped him to solve his problems, or something like that. And he gave a talk saying that Buddhism never helped him solve his problems. A lot of people hope that Buddhism - reading Buddhist books or practicing some kind of meditation will make their lives easier. They find some kind of wisdom in Buddhist philosophy and some peace in Buddhist meditation. But that is not what is really called Buddhism. That is some kind of personal help or some kind of talk or inspiration. Something very limited. Even if you read the most profound Buddhist books and only take some kind of wisdom from such books, it wasn't really learning much about Buddhism. If you practice zazen and get some peace and then feel good, feeling I got some peace, that wasn't practicing zazen, that was some kind of peaceful meditation. But if you sincerely practice and do not seek personal help and then feel peaceful, of course, why not. But that result is not why we practice Buddhism. Anyway, from time to time we need some kind of help or entertainment, but that is not the true purpose of Buddhist practice and study. The true purpose of Buddhist practice and study is to say good-bye to limiting views and understanding - ultimately, of course, only ultimately. We need all kinds of views and understanding in this modern world, but in true Buddhism there is no room for limited views or limited understanding. There  are different points of views used to explain Buddhism but these are only temporary aids, not the final meaning of Buddhism.      

We could say that there are two ways to understand Buddhism. Again, one is quite limited  and the other one is unlimited and liberating. One could be compared to approaching the door. And the other is opening the door. I think most people will agree that coming closer to the door and opening the door are two different things. Most people study or read about Buddhism as if it was a door that should not be opened. They come up to it and want to be inspired or get some peace. But our ancestors, buddhas and patriarchs, master Dogen and such, they came to the door and opened it. We don't have to do that, but I am afraid, that's the only way to fully discover what Buddha meant by Dharma. Or what he meant by the truth.

There is another way to explain the two different attitudes to Buddhism. One is half-baked and the other is complete. You are either interested in Buddhism as something that may help you become a better person, maybe wiser, or closer to enlightenment, or kinder to others, or you are interested in Buddhism as something which is not limited by you, your conditions and Buddhism itself. There is no room for Buddha in Buddha. There is no room for wisdom in Buddhism. There is no room for enlightenment in Buddhism. There is no room for enlightenment in enlightenment. There is no room for wisdom in true wisdom. In other words, even if we have attained enlightenment, we have to give it up, otherwise it becomes complete delusion. Even if we have encountered the truth, we have to give it up, as there is no room for a concept of truth or glimpse of truth in the truth. So myself, I can tell you all about my limits, weaknesses, delusions, but I cannot say anything about wisdom or truth or enlightenment. I have no idea what those things are. But reality itself knows and I have confidence in reality. The truth knows itself. The universe knows itself. Buddha knows Buddha. But that kind of Buddha doesn't mean anything specific by Buddha. If there is some kind of conclusion in Buddhism, some kind of teaching, it is let go of everything - you, others, buddhas...  If you, as a limited person, let go of things and ideas and say: "I have let go of things and ideas", then how about the others? For many years I thought it was important that I understand Buddhism and I know the truth, but how about others? Now I am interested in the possibility of human beings in general, not just me, to understand or experience the truth. You or me. Anyone. I'd like to know if we can do it and how to do it. And as I have confidence in the practice of zazen and Buddhist teaching, I can see a way. I am very happy as I can see we can do it. Whether I am wise or compassionate, that is not so important,  but can we practice and experience what Buddha practiced and experienced? Not me, but can we? I have tried for many years, so now I want to see if others can do it, too. Not that I know and the others don't. I want to see what we, as human beings, can do in the field of Buddhism. And I am sure we can open the door completely. It has been done in the past, it is being done now and it will be done in the future.  

Ultimately, there is no room for our limited self in Buddhism. In our real life, there is plenty of room for delusions and ideas and concepts and mistakes. But in Buddhism there is no room for something limited. You let go and you let go of letting go. You let go of wisdom, you let go of Buddhas and Buddhist philosophy. Then you can spot a beautiful thing in the grass or in the street and say Wow. Now I understand my teacher's freedom to be himself and make mistakes and have likes and dislikes. He has let go of Buddhism. Doing so he hasn't tainted it. At the same time, he can practice Buddhism and tell us about Buddhism, tell us about true Buddhism, which is not something limited. He can tell us about the door. Once you open the door, let go of the handle. Forget the door. But people will ask you over and over again - where is the door? And I ask myself over and over again: "Where is the wisdom of buddhas?" And when I am not completely lost and dark, I can answer to myself: "It has disappeared. But there is some fruit in the kitchen, if you are hungry. There is some water if you are thirsty."

Branches Cracking in the Woods

There are basically four ways to misunderstand Buddhism. Master Dogen mentions all of them in Shobogenzo.

The first is called naturalism. If we believe that we are buddha no matter if we practice the Way, no matter if we attain the truth, no matter if we learn Buddhism from an authentic teacher, this is called naturalism. It is a very superficial, very silly understanding of Buddha's truth. So it is definitely not understanding Buddha's truth. Even if we ask: Who is not a buddha? And even if we cannot find a single person or single thing, which is not a buddha, still it is not Buddha's teaching to conclude that everyone is a buddha, so the whole of Buddhism is useless or that practice is not necessary. Of course, everyone and each thing is a buddha, but what does it mean?

The second misunderstanding is the belief that every person possesses some kind of bright, spiritual intelligence which is different from the form of our existence. Even these days some people believe that we have some kind of hidden spiritual essence that we can discover and then show it to others. But true Buddhism says that this very body and mind, this ordinary person and their everyday actions show our Buddha nature completely and nothing is hidden. Moreover, our true self is not something hidden, or separated - it is not limited by mind, by body or by the world outside. It is just our everyday life and winter leaving and spring coming. It is really something amazing, but it is amazing because it is independent on limited ideas of people. Just like mountains get along with storms and snow, the universe doesn't fight a true self, nor does it give a person their true self. As we cannot point to the universe itself, we cannot point to one's true self. Still, this doesn't mean that there is no universe or no true self.

The third misunderstanding is the belief that the goal of our Buddhist efforts is to attain some kind of great personality and then show to others how great we are. The others will see that we are better than others and will want to learn from us how to become such a great person. In fact, we practice the Way despite having been a buddha ever since the beginning of the universe and despite getting more or less what we have always had. So even if there is no profit or gain in practicing the Way, we can notice all our Buddhist ancestors practiced and studied the Way as if it was the most important thing ever. Just like storms make noise as if storms were the most important thing ever, just like rabbits fight in the fields as if only rabbit fights mattered, just like flowers bloom in the spring as if only flowers could change the universe, buddhas practice the Way without thinking about their past or future, and they practice and study the Way as if nothing else was important. To practice the Way without comparing it to other ways or secular values is just like a branch cracking in the woods. It doesn't think it should crack, it doesn't think it shouldn't crack. It doesn't think cracking is empty and it doesn't think cracking is loud. It doesn't think there is some kind of spiritual essence to cracking. It doesn't crack to become a buddha. It just cracks.

The fourth misunderstanding is to make Buddhist practice and philosophy something stuck and solid, like a bar of soap in the bathroom. We should not discard Buddhist practice and philosophy, but we should not make it something solid and rigid, like a bar of soap. We should freely give bars of soap and accept bars of soap. We should let practice come and go. I don't mean practice zazen three times a year, I mean practice zazen when it is our habit to practice, and it should be every day, and stop practicing zazen, when it is our habit to stop and go to bed or begin eating. We should let Buddhist ideas and values come and go. If we stick to practice and make it a very important part of our lives, it becomes something separate and loses its original value. If we make Buddhist philosophy a special thing and we think about it all the time, it loses its original meaning and becomes rigid, so it cannot help anybody. To transcend buddhas, to let go of buddhas, to let buddhas come and go, to forget buddhas and witness cracking branches, that is the way of those who have transcended Buddhism and buddhas, while practicing zazen regularly and bowing with others and eating with others over and over again.    

               

Acting beyond Buddhas

It is difficult, but important not to be an idealistic Buddhist. It is important to be a realistic Buddhist. An idealistic Buddhist basically sees things dualistically and is less interested in the truth as such than he or she is interested in some Buddhist ideals. Buddhist ideals are important as they help us to learn what Buddhism is, but we should not get stuck on the idealistic level of understanding what Buddhism is. So even if master Dogen writes about patriarchs, buddhas, great realization, and brightness, we should learn from our real teachers, who have transcended the idealistic aspect of Buddhism, that the great Buddhist ideals must be found in our real everyday life, in our real actions and not in our thinking or intellectual understanding alone.   

I have made this mistake many a time - although I have been practicing zazen for more than 20 years, my narrow mind has told me many times that something great is different from me, that some kind of buddhas are far away from me, that some great realization is not within my everyday life and that the expression of Buddhist truth is something only experienced teachers can manifest. But this is only the delusion of one's limited mind and is not true Buddhist teaching. On the other hand, if I say that I am a buddha, if I say that I can express the truth, and I have had great realization, that is just another side of the same fake coin and is not what buddhas and patriarchs teach or express. So both being sceptical about one's buddha nature and bragging one's capabilities and claiming that one can express the truth completely are mistakes and lack the genuine character of a realistic person.  

In the past I mistakenly assumed that master Dogen divided his disciples into two separate groups - those who can express the truth and those who cannot express the truth. But that was my lack of understanding. It seemed to me that master Dogen liked to test his disciples and expected them to express the truth clearly before him and other monks.  The thing is I did not read these records thoroughly. At one such occasion master Dogen asks his disciples to come forth and manifest the truth and says that if they are not capable of this, his staff will laugh at them.  This is exactly where my understanding ended. But later I read this again and noticed that master Dogen adds: "If I say that you cannot express the truth, my eyebrows will fall off."  In other words, master Dogen refused to make the mistake of deciding whether someone's action is definitely expression of the truth or not. 

My teacher has been pointing out the importance of our everyday action ever since I met him and probably long before I met him. How could we not express the truth completely if we completely do something at the present moment? No amount of intellectual understanding will make up for our simple actions like making tea, getting dressed, finding the keys, making phone calls, etc. The intellectual understanding of Buddhism may be a virus that will make a gap between our mind and our body, between ideals and actions, and will prevent us from "getting the body out" - quoting Fukanzazengi. Such intellectual understanding will prevent us from liberating the actions from sticky ideas and theories. The paradox is that the right attitude toward Buddhist philosophy and sincere efforts to understand the essential points of Buddhism may help us liberate the body and mind and see what the life of buddhas is in the present moment.  

So as I had mistakenly thought that master Dogen had demanded his disciples that they express the truth in certain situations, although master Dogen never said his disciples didn't express the truth when eating or going to the toilet.  I asked my teacher some time ago, why modern Buddhist teachers, the followers of master Dogen's teaching, don't test their students any more, in a similar fashion as master Dogen did. My teacher explained that it is not necessary to imitate the ways of medieval Japanese monks and teachers. Then I asked Gabriele Linnebach, also a dharma heir of late Nishijima roshi, and she explained, among other things, that doing, acting and living is foremost, that practice in the present is the most important thing. 

In Shogobenzo, chapter called Dotoku, where master Dogen explains the problem of expressing the truth, he tells the story of master Seppo who once heard about an excellent hut-master living in the mountains. Master Seppo decided to visit this hut-master and test him. "Express the truth and I will not shave your head," said master Seppo to the hut-master whose hair was long. An ordinary person will expect the hut-master to succeed or fail this test, just like I tended to understand until recently. But the hut-master, to my surprise and later joy, comes forward and is ready to have his head shaved. Master Dogen explains how this excellent action transcends our limited understanding of what expressing the truth is. After all, the hut-master just comes forward and acts. He is not entangled in Buddhist ideals or sceptical thoughts about his Buddhist abilities. He just comes forward and allows master Seppo to shave his head. Now master Dogen really admires what happens next. One would expect master Seppo to drop his razor and laugh, says master Dogen, but instead master Seppo, a true Buddhist patriarch, goes beyond buddhas and patriarchs, and just shaves the hut-master's head. 

From this story and master Dogen's delicate explanations of its true meaning, we can learn that our simple every day actions, beyond understanding and not understanding, beyond buddhas and ordinary beings, beyond being great or small, are beautiful, rare flowers of dharma. Simple, everyday actions, without being trapped by good words or bad words, without bragging about one's experience or capabilities, or running away in shame, make our lives worth buddhas' attention. To express the truth is definitely important for anyone who is sincerely interested in Dharma. But once we are bold enough to step over the line of intellectual limits, we can act freely and express ourselves freely. We can enjoy the freedom with which true beings act, and we can see the freedom of children, animals, plants and all nature, that can never not express what is true about them. So once we decide to speak about Buddhist theories and ideals, it should not prevent us from living our real life and it should not prevent others from getting dressed, eating meals or going to bed. And we should recognize the lack of truth in the words of idealists and recognize the authentic, true actions of those who have opened their bodies and minds to what is right here.      
    

Venerating Those Above and Pitying Those Below

In his Shobogenzo Shoji chapter about Life and Death, master Dogen gives some instructions to people as for doing the right things within Buddhist practice. And he recommends that we "venerate those above and pity those below". I am using the best translation of Shobogenzo I know of, which is the translation by recently late Gudo Nishijima and Mike Cross. Other translations say for example "respect those who are spiritually above you and have pity on those who are spiritually less advanced than you". This sounds even more suspicious, as if master Dogen believed in some hierarchy in Buddhist circles, that is masters spiritually being above their disciples, who are spiritually weak. But I think master Dogen means something else.

"Venerate those above" could mean "respect and learn from those who live the truth, which means people who are honest and sincere, experienced, be it a cook, a cleaning lady at the train station or a taxi driver, a Chinese Zen master or a beginner, whose heart is pure and curious and wants to learn the Way". All those people are above us! But not above us as if we, me or you, were always crawling along the ground, unable to raise to standards of buddhas. Above us, meaning once we drop under our standard of buddhas, under the standard of our ability to wake up now. Even if it is sometimes difficult to raise above our delusions and dreams, we can be optimistic and raise to the level of buddhas whenever we just wake up from our dreams and plunge into a simple action here and now. Then we are free from levels high or low and free from Buddhist instructions. But if we struggle to return to the standards of buddhas, we should venerate those who have just woken up, for example a beginner who has just come to practice zazen and study the Way with pure heart and intentions. Such people are above those who temporarily lost their ability to wake up and consider themselves hopelessly deluded or forever enlightened. True Buddhist teachers always try to wake up from such silly ideas and are always willing to learn from those who came for the first time and whose mind is completely open and unobstructed by narrow categories. Even master Shunryu Suzuki teaches that beginner's mind should be our highest ideal. It is really difficult to be a true beginner, especially after many years of practice, to be someone without attachment to various ideas and various spiritual experiences. Of course, master Dogen also suggests that we should learn from excellent Buddhist teachers of all times, but these excellent Buddhist teachers of all times always express the maturity and wisdom of someone who has never even heard about Buddhist teachings and just do something in the present moment wholeheartedly. We should respect those who are willing to put down all kinds of past achievements and fame and simply do something beyond ranks, such as raise a pot or put down a plate. Those are called buddhas according to master Dogen and we should venerate such buddhas as they are not attached to their buddhahood and freely express the meaning of buddhas and freely leave behind the bubbles bleeding from all kinds of Buddhist teachings. We should also venerate our own ability to wake up and should not underestimate the buddha in our zazen posture and the buddha in our everyday life. We should therefore venerate the self which we leave behind and replace with a fresh action in this moment. It is also impossible to venerate something separate and forget the whole. Even if we venerate master So-and-so, or Buddha Shakyamuni, we actually venerate the first principle of the universe, something which is the source of this vivid situation. When we venerate something as if it was isolated from this vivid situation, we venerate some kind of dream, but when we venerate those who have woken up, we venerate tables, chairs, cups, benches and everyone and everything which has just woken up to the real condition of things.

"Pity those below" could also mean care about, reflect, think about, or do not ignore those who have temporarily lost their awakening, whose mind has closed for a while, and they got stuck in ideas and feeling inferior or superior. But it also means pity those realms of your own, which caused you to sink into levels of fools. In other words, we should brush teeth, wash hair, clean the kitchen, but also look after the state of our body and mind, which is not different from "pity those below". Pity those below is not a maintained emotion, but a vivid action, here and now, a vivid action and waking up to the standards of buddhas. It is not feeling superior just like when we brush teeth, we don't consider dirt as something low, but we just brush teeth. When we clean the kitchen, we don't consider the mess before cleaning as something inferior but we just clean the mess. So pity those below is just taking an action and setting things anew. We should not feel superior to mess, dirt, or those who are deluded for a while. When master Dogen criticized different people for their mistakes in Buddhism, he pitied them, but rather then whining he just took the action of writing and teaching what Buddhism is and is not, he didn't feel superior or inferior, when pitying those, who had made a mistake. "Those below" are not below as if we were spiritually higher, those below are below their own true standards and when we are below, we are also below our true standards. When we clarify the meaning of below and above, we can see things in the West and see things in the East. There is no reason to be confused by different points of views and we can walk on straight and alive. We help those who lost direction and ask for help those who have found the direction.

After all we should not try to be spiritually more advanced than the ground beneath our feet or spiritually less advanced than the sky above. We should only go where spiritual steps mean one step from this room to another step to that room. Doing so, we can forget for a while about venerating those above and pitying those below. Master Dogen never wanted to obstruct our own lively steps with his teaching, he always wanted to encourage our steps beyond high and low. So when we just walk, those who are below can learn from us and find their true level and those who are above us can also learn from our simple action and find their true standards.  

Paradoxes - part 3

Let me continue the articles about paradoxes in Buddhism.


Paradox No 6

Although people interested in Buddhism hope to find perfect peace one day, the only way how to find perfect peace of mind is to stop trying to attain perfect peace of mind and just do something.


I think this is quite self-explanatory. But I'll try to say something about it  based on my experience. I have just practiced zazen for one hour. I usually feel peaceful and happy after one hour of zazen. That's usually, mind you. Not always. And now how do I feel? I am not sure. Nothing much. This is exactly the moment when I could feel disappointed and restless: How come I don't feel wonderful after one hour of zazen? This is exactly the mistake. How come the sex was not what it was last time? How come nobody likes what I am writing although a year ago people liked it? How come it is not sunny today? How come my partner is not as cheerful as usual? How come they stopped selling my favorite ice-cream around the corner? How come nobody comes to me with a million saying: Hey, I got some spare cash, I thought you might like to use some of it... How come I am not five years old any more? I could come up with lots of crazy "how come". The whole thing is about whether we can deal with reality or not. Deal with it. Zazen will only make you peaceful,  if you can accept the lack of peace here and now. Just forget the whole thing of being peaceful or not and do something. This is what I am saying to myself from time to time, when I don't feel so peaceful. Just make another step. Forget the last step. I wish I could have written something more interesting about this whole thing but as it seems, I have failed. Now I can relax and deal with the fact that I am a lousy Buddhist writer. Peace!  



Paradox No 7

You look up to your master and hope to at least be similar to him or her, yet she is doing her best to convince you that you have been the Buddha since the very beginning.


Now I have made up a story about a tiger zen master and a mouse zen student.

A mouse wants to learn the Buddhist truth and she... he? Now how to avoid the whole sexist issue. To make things modern, let's say the mouse is a boy and the master is a tigress. OK. So a  mouse hears there is a famous Zen master living in the jungle and she is a tigress and knows the secret of Buddhism perfectly. The mouse decides to find the tigress and learn from her. Although a bit afraid of the mighty beast, he after a long difficult journey finds a little grass hut where the master lives. He greets the master respectfully and says that he wants to be a student of hers and learn the truth of Buddhism from her. "OK", says the tigress, "we can start right away. You can live next to me and see how I live. Maybe you can learn the secret of Buddhism if you practice  zazen with me every day and spend the rest of the day with me." The mouse was excited. Of course, he was ready to do anything the master would say. They began to practice zazen together and spend the days together. The tiger would go hunting every day and the mouse followed her. The tiger often repeated: "It is important to be your true self." The tiger was an excellent hunter. It would follow its prey silently and in the right moment jumped and caught the animal. The lunch was ready. The mouse tried hard to do exactly the same. Silently wait in the grass and jump out in the right moment. Then the mouse would always fail to catch the animal but because the tigress was a very noble being, it would let the mouse eat a bit of her own lunch. There was always more than plenty for them both. It was like this for weeks and months. The mouse always tried hard to imitate the master, but never caught anything, only to be invited to the lunch or dinner after its yet another hunting failure. After three years the mouse, kind of disappointed, still not understanding Buddhism very much and not having learned how to catch prey, asked the master: "What's wrong? I have been practicing with you for three years, trying hard to learn from you, always following your example, but I've never learned the secret of Buddhism, obviously. While you are a mighty tigress, I am a lousy mouse. I can't even catch a frog, let alone an antelope." "And who told you", replied the master, "that your job is to become a tiger? Who told you to go and imitate me when I do my job? I have no idea what a mouse does to get food, I hoped you would live your life as a mouse, but was always puzzled when you tried to hunt with me. You can watch and learn from me how a tiger lives, but that doesn't mean you should become a tiger. Now go back to your mouse life and try to live your mouse life, maybe you will at last understand what Buddhism is about." The mouse went back home, very disappointed, but not giving up. He still believed, somehow intuitively, that the tigress was a true master and he believed that she'd given him the best advice. So he went home and tried to live a life of a mouse. For a few weeks it was very difficult, everywhere he went he tended to look for prey, rather than look for cheese or cereals. But after some weeks of hunger and confusion, he learned to find cheese or cereals and eat well. One day, as he was peacefully munching on a piece of Eidam he'd found somewhere in the house where he lived, the tigress happened to walk by and heard some mousy noise. She was interested, as tigers usually are, in noises, so she came closer and found her old student, the mouse munching on a piece of cheese. Excited to see her old student living happily, she exclaimed: "I see my old little student at last found the truth of Buddhism!" For a fraction of a second, the mouse didn't understand at all. Then, all of a sudden, holding a piece of cheese in his little hands, he understood something important. He cheerfully smiled at the tigress and the smile said a big "thank you". The tigress said: "Don't forget what you learned from me!" Then she disappeared in the grass.

Maybe you can notice this story was inspired by a few similar stories from master Dogen's collection of koans, the book called Shinji Shobogenzo. I recommend that you read those stories if you find this one interesting. They are all the same, essentially, but if we don't pay attention to the realism of life that those stories try to teach us, we will end up being a ghost, a shadow of our true self. We'll try to become a tiger in a mouse's body.  
                                   

Paradoxes - part 2

Now I'll continue writing the text about paradoxes in Buddhism. 

Before I proceed to the paradox No 5, let me present a story, a made up story, a story, a dialogue I made up, Buddha meeting a disciple. I made this up in order to explain something about what it's like to be an ordinary person, why enlightened is not different from ordinary:   

A disciple said to Gautama: 

"Dear Buddha, you are such a noble, enlightened person, I am only a deluded farmer. I wish I could be as noble and enlightened as you, sir."

Gautama replied: "I am a silly, deluded person, not a noble person. But just because I can see clearly that I am ordinary, people call me Buddha." 

"What can I do", asked the farmer, "to see clearly that I am an ordinary person?"

"Just when you eat rice, eat your rice, and don't try to eat somebody else's rice."



So this is a story about a farmer looking up to Buddha and trying to be like him. When I was discussing the problem of zazen as something where there is no profit, I wrote that  sooner or later, Buddha takes over and your zazen is Buddha's zazen. But who is that Buddha who takes over? What is that true thing about zazen? The true thing about zazen is that we cannot escape our delusions but we can realize how silly we are. The true thing about enlightenment is that we cannot escape a life of an ordinary, deluded person. But when we realize that we can never become the fantasy Buddha and can only live our own life, that is called Buddha. When we practice zazen with this silly, ordinary body and mind and give up the idea that we could become a noble, generally respected person who never does or says a stupid thing, then we practice what Buddha practiced. So because a beginner doesn't become deluded about Buddha yet, that makes him Buddha already. When we collect experience and thoughts through Buddhism, we may start to believe that there is something about us that could be made into Buddha and we may want to impress others with that puppet thing. Only when we realize that we only carry images in our heads, and that tea is tea no matter if you are a factory worker or a famous Buddhist teacher, we may decide to discover the value of our ordinary state. So when Buddha takes over when we practice zazen, that means our ordinary state in zazen becomes happy with itself. 




ad Paradox No 5

Although it is important to realize that our actions change the world so we have to act responsibly and thoughtfully, we are perfectly free and unlimited by our past actions in this very moment. 

When I am deluded... I don't want to generalize, but let's say I am pretty deluded before I practice zazen and after zazen I become aware of my delusions... you know it's not always this simple, but anyway. So when I am completely deluded about myself, I think what I did yesterday or last month was really stupid. Then I cannot really talk to anyone or do anything because I carry this burden of negative emotions with me. In such a state I never write about Buddhism because I feel it would be heavy with some egocentric feelings and it would hardly say much about Buddhism other than that it is quite usual that people feel bad about themselves. But when I practice zazen, I usually don't feel that burden any more. What mistakes I made in the past are among all other mistakes all people ever made. My mistakes, your mistakes... well, what about now? That doesn't mean I reject my responsibility, but I do not take it so personally any more. Imagine your mother said to you last week that you are selfish and disappointing and completely bad person. No matter why she said it, it may be true or not, but that is not the point. If you are really lost in delusions about you and others, you may become very upset or disappointed, but if you understand that all people in the whole world make mistakes all the time, then you can stop for a while, stop thinking too fast and realize that the only thing we can do about this messed up world is to wake up now  and be light to others. Nothing wonderful, just do something, and don't worry about the past. Open the door. There. That's already the light to others. That's what a real savior does. You can only save the world if you don't judge it. So even if we judge somebody in Buddhism, if it is Buddha's opened mind and not somebody's narrow opinion, then it is teaching and helping. We have to feel whether someone only spreads hatred and delusions or if someone is trying to help us see the light in otherwise dark world. The way we judge in Buddhism is based on something completely open, it is based on caring, not based on hatred. Even the worst expressions master Dogen uttered about non-Buddhists were based on his immense caring about the happiness of all living beings and not only some dark deluded thoughts about bad people.   I sometimes come to work and when I realize how many mistakes I must have made and how many people criticize me, I could also just give up and go back home and tell my boss that I cannot continue at work if I am such a bad person. But after zazen I don't feel like that. When we practice zazen sincerely, we can see that the whole world is deluded, not just me or you, and at fault, not just you or him. So when we practice zazen sincerely, we can see that right now is time to help the world. How can we help? We can act soberly, not judging anyone and just do something what is necessary to do. If you meet a colleague at work and you think, Ah, she hates me... drop that idea and just say hello to her. Encourage yourself and her, that we can return to this very moment and forget what was wrong yesterday. We never know who is more deluded, who makes more mistakes. Its' not about whether she is right or wrong, or whether she should change her opinion of you. It's about having to wake up and stop the chain of opinions and entanglement. There is always someone to blame, so we could also blame the whole universe. Or only the Nazis? Should we blame the parents or our colleagues? We could say the whole world is waiting for someone who stops the never ending game of judgement and criticism and just says hello. What kind of life can we expect to have and what kind of life can others expect to have, if they never forget the past and future and never wake up. So what I do personally and what most people do and it is more natural after zazen, is that we just go to work again and say hello to everyone, friends and foes. And the universe is a great place for a while again. It's great when the world is free from the ideas about past and future. We only imagine past and future and we cannot stop this imagination, but we should also discover the virginity, the innocence of this moment, and the innocence and virginity of all beings, including retired prostitutes. In Buddhism, there is nobody else who could be more innocent than a retired prostitute. But it is important to realize what kind of innocence it is. What kind of innocence does Buddhism offer? The key to the true innocence of Buddha is just in this very moment.  


I think I have already written enough today and I will continue about the rest of paradoxes next time. 

Thanks to all the readers who keep encouraging me as this writing helps me to realize what matters and what doesn't matter so much which may help the people I encounter so we all help each other if we support some kind of wisdom and awakened life. "Some kind of awakened life". May this be something that happens to us all. 

Paradoxes in Buddhism

You must have already come across some of these paradoxes in Buddhism. I am going to go through some of the typical paradoxes we encounter in Buddhism and I'll try to explain them or why we tend to deny or reject them and why they make sense, although they go against our common understanding of things. First I'll list these paradoxes and then I'll try to explain the first four or five. Tomorrow or later today or sometime,  I promise, I will continue and write about the rest of the paradoxes.  


Paradox No. 1

We sometimes try hard to attain the so called state of enlightenment, yet this state is the most ordinary state we experience many times a day.

Paradox No. 2

Zazen is useless, there is nothing we can gain in zazen, yet many authentic Buddhist masters considered zazen the essence of Buddhism and said there is no Buddhism without zazen.

Paradox No 3

There is a lot of philosophical talk in Buddhism, there are lots of books, where even the most excellent Buddhist monks failed to understand certain aspects of Buddhism, yet ultimately, there is nothing to understand intellectually. Intellectual understanding has to be transcended. In other words, although Buddhist philosophy is complex and intelligent, a true Buddhist leaves intellectual thought and becomes a simpleton.


Paradox No 4

The most excellent Buddhist masters spent years and years practicing zazen and studying Buddhist philosophy, yet the only time we can fulfil our Buddhist efforts is just now.

Paradox No 5

Although it is important to realize that our actions change the world so we have to act responsibly and thoughtfully, we are perfectly free and unlimited by our past actions in this very moment.

Paradox No 6

Although people interested in Buddhism hope to find perfect peace one day, the only way how to find perfect peace of mind is to stop trying to attain perfect peace of mind and just do something.

Paradox No 7

You look up to your master and hope to at least be similar to him or her, yet she is doing her best to convince you that you have been the Buddha since the very beginning.


Ad No 1

Somebody said that enlightenment is the very ordinary state of body and mind. Different teachers said more or less the same thing about it. Some of them were able to say it in a way that impressed you, some of them say it in a way that makes you fall asleep (boring cliches...), yet no matter if you are impressed or not, it is true, that enlightenment is your ordinary state. How to say it or how to explain this in a way that would not sound like repeating the same old truth over and over again?  I think the danger or misunderstanding lies in this: If the highest state in Buddhism called enlightenment means the most ordinary state then there is absolutely nothing I should try to do or achieve in Buddhism and will just go back to my good old common lifestyle and thinking. But that's not what is meant by "ordinary" by those excellent Buddhist teachers. To go back to the market and buy wine is called enlightenment, final liberation or Buddha nature, but that is not exactly the state you always go shopping in your favorite supermarket. To become perfectly ordinary in Buddhism doesn't mean you go back to your materialistic frame of mind. So if enlightenment is just my ordinary self, I'll go back to the pub and kick somebody's ass. I'll spend all night watching porn just like Brad Warner, the famous Buddhist author, who praises porn and rock 'n' roll everywhere he goes. If that is ordinary, if that is the final liberation, I'll go to the bank and borrow a million, buy a boat and spend the rest of my life worrying how to pay for it. If ordinary means enlightenment, I'll throw out all my Buddhist books and stop practicing zazen and will spend my life arguing about soccer on Internet forums and dump all garbage in the woods. That is definitely not the ordinary state those excellent masters talked about. This kind of ordinary state is only laziness and stupidity. Take Brad Warner for example. There is a subtle difference between stupid and lazy consumption of porn in a polluted state of mind and something I would call thoughtful understanding of the complex issue called sex and finding a balanced way how to deal with your sex energy. Which is what Brad Warner is supporting, not getting lost in hedonism and materialism. There is a gigantic difference between cynically dirty and cheerfully mischievous. The way we should be ordinary in Buddhism, the way we go shopping is not lazy and materialistic and frustrated or restless, demanding and dissatisfied. The way old Zen masters went to the market was cheerful and content, caring and natural, spontaneous and wise. We must study carefully what ordinary in Buddhism means. We should try to understand this point very well, because if enlightenment in Buddhism is our ordinary state, that ordinary state might be something we haven't even noticed yet!  So I am not saying it is something exotic, esoteric and special. But it it not our old lazy or restless self. It is the mind of a three year old kid who has just discovered a butterfly in the grass. It is the mind of an old philosophy professor who has put down the book and lighted his cigar with pleasure. It is the mind of a cyclist who has forgot his ambitions and decided to change gears before the steep uphill section of the race. It is the mind of a beginner who has no idea what zazen is and listens to instructions on how to sit zazen and tries to sit properly. The ordinary state in Buddhism is our perfect Buddha state, it is our original, natural caring about the universe and it is our complete freedom and satisfaction in the middle of everyday chores. It is saying hello to friends and putting dirty clothes into the washing machine. It is saying Oh well, when something goes wrong, without putting ourselves in the middle of the universe. It is sadness of the universe, the happiness of the universe, the fear of the universe, the complete satisfaction of the universe. It is not a stupid fellow saying I know everything. It is stupid wisdom and wise stupidity, it is an open window, it is a moment when everything is open. It is the moment we don't try to understand what doesn't have to be understood. It is the sun coming out of the clouds and going back behind the clouds. It is the flower in Buddha's hand and Mahakasyapa's smile. It is the beginning of Buddhism and the end of Buddhism. It is the most important thing in our lives and it is sitting right on our noses in this moment.

Ad No 2

The great goal of Buddhism, the noble goal of Buddhism is to learn that just doing something now is the best we can achieve. Usually we expect zazen to give us peace or wisdom or enlightenment or possibly all these things in one package. Four in one. But although we cannot deny that zazen gives an individual some individual benefits, if we consider zazen something that should satisfy one's individual needs, it is not the zazen of buddhas and ancestors. If we want to taste the zazen of Buddha Gautama or master Dogen, we have to try to enter the state of things beyond our individual self. In that realm there is nothing to gain as the whole universe loses and gains in each moment of zazen. If we realize that our zazen is satisfying, it is not really master Dogen's zazen. If we transcend the point where I am not interested in my zazen any more, there is the point in which all buddhas meet. We only practice shikantaza when we stop looking for our individual profit in zazen. We can only have the taste of Buddha's realization if we stop attaining realization for our separate self. Only when we are interested in the realization of the universe, can we practice the universal realization. We can have a little bit of personal profit from zazen, but if we let go of personal in zazen, the whole universe gains and loses, but for the universe, there is no difference between loss and gain. Then you are not interested in your own benefits. You don't stop practicing zazen just because you have had enough or you have achieved the nice, peaceful state. You only begin to practice zazen when you are not interested in your personal zazen any more. That's when shikantaza starts.

This sounds very difficult. You think most people experience nice states in zazen or struggle personally and almost nobody can practice zazen without  a personal flavour to it. But in fact, moment after moment, when we think "I feel... I can't attain.... I have attained.... I am peaceful.... I am impatient..." even if we are practicing in the middle of our personal thoughts and delusion about ourselves, moment after moment we forget... we forget what we are and what we are doing individually and the shikantaza of zazen, our original state, the universal self, is practicing zazen together with the silly self. It's like I... Buddha.... I am .... forget... Buddha... Buddha appears over and over again and after some time, maybe after twenty minutes, you stop struggling and you give up and let Buddha take over and then you / Buddha practice peacefully. You give up your personal hopes or fears and let Buddha - your true self - practice. So some masters say that after twenty or thirty years of everyday zazen you will become familiar with your true self. But that doesn't mean that you are not essentially Buddha even at the beginning. Even if you practice zazen for the first time and you do it sincerely, trying to keep the right posture, you are expressing completely your Buddha nature and you have no reason to think that there is something special to look for in zazen. So for a beginner, it may be easier to just practice. A beginner is open to the situation. Whatever happens, she will experience it completely. Then later, the beginner is no longer a beginner and may think: Today I hope I'll feel peaceful after zazen. That's already... it is natural, but it is not why we practice zazen originally. Of course we realize zazen brings peace and balance to our everyday life, but we should not forget that it is the whole universe that brought peace to the whole universe, not just me or you. Zazen is the whole universe. So when we practice zazen, the limited self doesn't matter any more and there is nothing to get for the limited self. But the whole universe becomes itself. Whether it is gain or loss, I don't think the universe is interested in such categories.

Add No 3

A true Buddhist becomes a  simpleton. That doesn't mean you try to understand something and then you fail to understand, then you give up and walk around saying I don't understand Buddhism. I mean there are moments of intellectual discussions when we ask or answer, when we try to understand something and sometimes we understand and sometimes we don't. But ultimately the most important thing is to not let intellectual thought take over our true self, our Buddhist experience. So a Chinese master made a circle in the air. Do you understand? It was his way how to make a step forward and leave the intellectual discussion. It is not giving up or saying: "I don't understand sutras". It means after some intellectual discussion it is necessary to return to the real state of things. Whether we understand or don't understand Buddhism intellectually, it is not as important as to be able to do something here and now. Some old Chinese masters were simple and only explained Buddhism in simple words and actions. Master Dogen was a genius. Whether you are a genius or a simple person doesn't matter, but whether you can express your Buddha nature in your everyday life, that matters very much. So if you want to make tea in the morning but are not able to do it, and instead open a book of sutras and look for solution there, that's a big problem. But if somebody cannot understand a sutra, but makes  delicious tea in the morning, all sutra experts should visit such a person and learn from her. All sutras tell stories about somebody who can make nice tea in the morning. Only people who have made something real can talk about Buddhism without embarrassing themselves. Intellectuals who cannot appreciate real people who do real things have no room in Buddhism. All my words are ridiculous unless I actually do something in my real life. Only because I actually do practice zazen and do go to work and do have to deal with all kinds of problems in my life, only because such things do I feel bold enough to write something about Buddhism. There is a Zen teacher in Britain who hasn't published any books about Buddhism, who hasn't even posted his name in the website of his group, somebody I have never heard said or written anything about Buddhism, yet he is a great Buddhist teacher because he does something real, he goes and practices zazen with others and I am sure that he tries to answer questions about Buddhism. It is not important whether he writes a blog or a book or whether he can say something amazing about Buddhism. What is important is that he doesn't lie about himself and Buddhism and practices zazen with others and does his job in his everyday life. That's what I call excellent Buddhist teaching.

Ad No 4

How old are you?  I am 46 but sometimes I forget how old I am. I think a few weeks ago I tried hard to remember how old I was and had to count the years on my fingers. I was born in 1967 so I must be 46. But whether I am really 46 I don't know. Maybe I am 146. So in the social world we deal with plans and duties that are connected to some days or time, but really we can only exist in this moment. So paradoxically you can only achieve 100 years of hard practice if you give up those 100 years you have already practiced. Only if you forget how old you are and how long you have practiced, be it one week or 300 years, only when you forget when you started and when you want to finish, then you can begin to practice. you can only begin to live your true life if you forget what you did before this moment. You can only be reborn now. The great thing about Buddhism is that it tells us that we are all naked babies, just born in this moment. So we don't have to worry. Even if they say, you know, you did such and such yesterday, the newly born baby doesn't care, it is busy doing something now. So even if you think you have practiced zazen for 30 years and it makes you a great Buddhist, it means nothing now and now you are a newly born baby and nobody can put you in prison even if you killed somebody yesterday. Of course, in the social world, you end up in prison, that's right, but in prison, nobody can prevent you from being reborn right here, right now. So the people who practice zazen in prison may experience the freedom of somebody who has no past and no future. A true Buddhist teacher points to the social reality, but also to the freedom and value of here and now. Even if you are 100 years old, you can become a Buddhist beginner and a great Buddha in the moment you first begin to practice. But somebody who says: I have been practicing zazen for 30 years so that makes me a 30 star Buddha, is a fool. It is important to practice zazen over and over again, for one year, ten years, fifty years, but after all what matters is that you begin to practice every day, not that you are aware of your years of practice. So you are not proud of your long experience. You are proud of the buddhas of the present moment who are willing to start zazen from scratch.


     
to be continued (I promise! -or you've been warned... )