September 7, 2017

It's OK If It Doesn't Show You're a Buddhist

In my last article about my not so brilliant Buddhist life I came across the problem of whether it shows one is a Buddhist, or whether it should show. I know some people may be proud of their Buddhist history and attainments and certificates and what not, but as far as I know, authentic Buddhist teachers want us not to show any trace of our Buddhist experience or history, at least in our everyday actions, unless someone asks us about Buddhism and our experience, of course. But if it is obvious that you are a Buddhist based on the way you talk, walk, drink, eat or sleep, then something is wrong.

I would say there are basically two ways to understand the meaning of Buddhism and I am sure one is wrong and one is right. One way is to understand that our Buddhist practice has to bring results and these results show in the way we act, speak, etc. Typically, a Buddhist, according to this understanding, is never angry, is always compassionate, patient, talks slowly and clearly, no matter what, eats carefully and completely, sleeps perfectly, makes only wise decisions and is very tolerant of people who make mistakes.  These people, ideally, are also enlightened, which is understood as knowing all about the universe, self and others and having absolutely no problems to worry about. This understanding of Buddhism is based on some kind of misinterpretation of original Buddha's teaching. I am aware that in some traditions practitioners are encouraged to act and live like the ideal person above, but I still maintain that such understanding is not actual Buddha's teaching.

The other understanding is very different and it is the understanding that was passed on by modern teachers like Kodo Sawaki, Shunryu Suzuki, Nishijima roshi, and current teachers like Brad Warner or Mike Luetchford. It says something I would sum up, using Brad Warner's words,  as "Don't be a jerk and just do what you're doing now." There are many, many ways to sum up this teaching, but you can never completely define this teaching, because it is essentially perfectly open. It is perfectly open to reality of our lives, be it dark , bright or strange. Don't be a jerk doesn't mean Stop getting angry, stop wanting that vintage car, stop criticizing your sister or stop making mistakes when speaking French. Don't be a jerk means Are you absolutely sure that it is necessary to get angry now? Are you absolutely sure that you absolutely want that Versace coat? Are you absolutely sure that your sister is a threat to the world peace and happiness? And the answer, of a sincere Buddhist, could be: I am not sure, but I just got angry. I am not sure I need that car, but I really like it. So the point is making efforts to act in accord with reality, but that effort includes the truth that we are imperfect human beings and we will never become a perfect human being, or a perfect buddha. The thing is that the so called "Buddha"is not a finished, complete, brilliant person. The thing called Buddha is not as much a person as a state of things. It is a balance of things that may hit us from time to time and that Buddha thing goes through our body and mind, hits it and it shows. But the way it shows is transparent, so nobody can really notice. The only thing we can notice about the moment when Buddha goes through our body and mind, is that we don't feel strange, we don't feel messed up, upset, upside down, on the contrary, everything seems settled. Or nicely open. And we often simply don't notice at all. Anyway, noticing or not, at that moment we and the universe is one thing. This is a situation, not a person. And this situation is called buddhas, it is called masters, it is called awakening, it is called dharma, it is called the truth, it is called brilliant. It has been praised by our ancestors for centuries. This Buddha state was probably first noticed by Gautama or at least clearly analysed and described by Gautama, and it was later called "enlightenment". But this very label absolutely messed up the original meaning of awakening. Instead of situation, the situation was called a finished person. Instead of watching flowers bloom, people followed Buddha Gautama's brilliant words. They followed his words, his actions, his decisions, his understanding, but because people do not always understand their teacher completely and usually misunderstand their teacher from time to time and often misunderstand the teaching completely, the whole of Buddhist teaching that Gautama established changed from teaching a situation to teaching people to become so called buddhas. Since then thousands of people have  tried hard to become buddhas to no avail. Some of them became idols, gurus, famous leaders, but frankly, they have become something they actually did not want to be initially. Or maybe they never wanted to find out what buddha really means and that it is a perfectly open situation.

So in my last article I mentioned all kinds of problems I have in my life. There is basically nothing special people could notice about me and if they do notice something they can say it is my character or my genes, not my Buddhist efforts. If you have practiced zazen for twenty years, have been to dozens of sesshins and your colleagues are absolutely shocked when you tell them you are a Buddhist, that is not something to be alarmed about. That is not something to reflect upon. Because the situation when Buddha goes through your body and mind and the state is open and transparent, is nothing other people can easily notice. On the other hand, Kodo Sawaki said something like if you practice zazen correctly, it will show in your family... This is a very complicated matter. In a way, it is true. If you practice zazen and there is no balance or clarity in your life, I mean if you just see absolutely no balance at all and you are as confused and angry as in the past and you hate the same people with the same vigour, then I would say Kodo Sawaki is right, there must be a loose screw somewhere. But still, if you become a more balanced person and you stop doing certain crazy things, what do you think others will notice? Nothing, to them, you will be a normal person and they will see nothing Buddhist about you. Only you know that you stopped doing that crazy thing you used to do. Only you know that you don't run around at night and don't break things out of desperation any more. Only you know that you have learned to notice the beauty of golden leaves in October. Only you know how you feel in zazen, how the mental burden melts and how you smile again and again despite your problems. Only you know these very intimate things. Many people are not Buddhists and are naturally balanced, wise and see flowers and clouds and hear birds chirping. I am not saying we all have to practice zazen, otherwise we cannot meet the Buddha state. On the contrary, it is the most natural thing to meet buddhas for every being in the universe and every thing in the universe. To meet the Buddha is the first and last thing that happens in the universe. It is the situation that is happening right now everywhere in the universe. So it is so obvious and clear that many people just do not notice. It is natural to have that state many times a day. So becoming a Buddhist you learn what our original state is, not how to become very different. So of course, it is not something that should shine or strike others. If it shines at all, its simplicity shines. If you think a teacher is an old buddha, it is because he or she doesn't add much to what he or she originally is. But many people are this natural and themselves, without having to study and practice Buddhism. We, who practice zazen and study Buddhism, do not do it in order to become great or better than others, we do it because we came across authentic Dharma, were hit by the clarity of its teaching and we cannot go away any more. Because we have experienced the simplicity of zazen, we practice zazen and we don't care if others notice or not. We make efforts not in order to become great people but because we just see no other option. We make efforts because we realized that it is the only way to live our lives. We may be called idiots, silly, crazy, lazy or whatever, still, we cannot stop making efforts. Some people will notice, some people will not notice. That doesn't matter. I like to compare our Buddhist efforts to trees in the woods. They make efforts all the time. Do other trees notice? Do birds notice? Who praises trees? Who certifies a tree? Who asks a tree questions? Yet, a tree will be a tree, making efforts to be a tree no matter what. Floods, wildfires, woodcutters, builders may come...

To be a human being is a very interesting situation. And we are not so different from trees. Trees are naturally different from other trees. They don't try to stand out. Still, you can notice a pine over there or a birch here is very different from the other trees. The difference has happened naturally. So as people we can concentrate on our everyday lives and not worry about others criticizing us, ignoring us or praising us. Being a human itself is a wonderful situation. It is wonderful enough, don't you think?  

    

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September 6, 2017

My Oh So Wonderful Buddhist Life

You may think that the title of this article is not meant seriously, that I am being sarcastic. My wonderful Buddhist life. Do I want to tell you how wonderful my life is and that it is so wonderful because I am a wonderful Buddhist who understands all about Buddhism and knows how to beautifully deal with all kinds of nasty problems? Or do I want to tell you that my life is crap and that the little I know about Buddhism doesn't help much when I get upset about something silly in the middle of a traffic jam? In fact, it is neither and it is both.

It is tricky to say whether one's life is wonderful or not. We could say that everyone's life is wonderful. When we are in a state of peace and calm and see things in a balanced way, we may decide to call anyone's life a wonder. Each moment of our complicated, difficult, even frustrating lives, is wonderful. So we could say that everyone has a wonderful life. Even if the person has to suffer all kinds of suffering. And we could also say that everyone's life is very, very difficult. And to some people it is so difficult that they call it suffering. And they actually do not want to have a life. So anyway, it is very difficult to say whether our life is wonderful, horrible or both. It depends on many viewpoints and situations. But I could easily say that my life is indeed wonderful. When I think back and recollect the most wonderful things I have experienced in my life so far, I could say Wow and wow and wow and I could go on wowing for hours or even days. And then I would stop because I would run out of memory. But I can also remember times when I felt extremely horrible, hopeless, lost, or at times I would shout out of sheer fury. And throw things around. It's interesting, but because right now I feel peaceful and content, I tend to think that my life is amazing. If you ask me in a few days, after having a couple of exhausting days at work, I may tell you that my life is too difficult. So it depends on how we feel at the moment of speaking. Anyway, you can imagine that my life is both wonderful and difficult, but I don't remember when I last felt really desperate. I would dare to claim that regular practice of zazen is extremely helpful when it comes to dealing with the most frustrating situations in our lives. I dare to say that zazen helps me return to a kind of balanced state even if I have experienced some pain or extreme frustration recently. I don't remember when I last had a talk about Buddhism and had to lie and pretend that Buddhism helps me have an OK life. Buddhism, or rather zazen and some Buddhist philosophy does help me have an OK life. But it is sometimes a very difficult life, sometimes my mind is far from balanced and sometimes you would be sure that I am a nutcase. But no matter what,  I do believe that studying Buddhist philosophy and practicing zazen helps me, personally, always return to some kind of balanced state and go back to that terrible little job that I can't seem to be able to finish or go and apologize to my girlfriend or my students or whomever I caused a trouble.  And I do believe that to you, if you sincerely study Buddhist philosophy with a good teacher and learn to practice zazen regularly from a good teacher, I am sure you can also find a way to return to a balanced state over and over again, even if only once a week or once a month, but that would be quite extreme, and find your true self , a moment of awakening - not satori, I mean just simply being at the moment without thinking too much -  in the middle of a gray misty street on the way to work on Monday morning.

But back to the problem of "a Buddhist life". When we begin to practice Buddhism we usually have an idea about an enlightened master or a great, peaceful philosopher, or a super humble, innocent grandma wearing old rags and feeding some orphans and cats. Now those are Buddhists, you may say. I think it is quite natural to be very, very idealistic at the beginning of our Buddhist studies. On the other hand, I am not saying that an experienced Buddhist must be, no matter what, the same old idiot who argues with everyone over and over again, considers himself a master of zillion arts, is not happy with his latest model of Mercedes S class, has a dozen of mistresses that he beats on a regular basis and is going to blow up his neighbor's house because his neighbor's kids touched his Mercedes S class when jumping around in the street. I am not saying that learning about Buddhism and practicing zazen leads nowhere, that we cannot make any progress and cannot become better people. And I am not saying that only a special few ones will attain the secret truth of Buddhas and the ordinary folks have to do without the supreme enlightenment and go home with a confused mind and feeling that there is something missing. No! Sorry I am shouting but I have to. I am saying together with master Dogen that there is something wonderful about dharma, the simple moment of practice-realization, the moment we just sit like a buddha and at the same time become a buddha because we are a buddha. That is wonderful and you don't have to be a special talented or chosen individual to experience the state of buddha. I agree with master Dogen that once we cut through the nets of words, and replace them with practice and experience, no matter if that practice and experience is zazen or cooking pasta, at that moment, when that happens, we are on par with ancient masters. And on par with pebbles, walls and fences. And master Dogen says that just sitting here and now in zazen is cutting through the nets of words and being immediately on par with ancient masters. So I absolutely agree that practicing zazen and forgetting words and just acting here and now is wonderful and I dare to say that I do have some experience practicing zazen, forgetting words and acting here and now.

But at the same time, although reading about Buddhism and reading about zazen may sound like going to a special world, a special temple, where everyone is wonderful and buddha and enlightened, the truth is that it is important to stop making a division between practicing zazen on the one hand and dealing with nasty situations in our everyday life. We must stop making a line between what master Dogen says about enlightenment and our very ordinary lives, our everyday situations. Because essentially, they are the same. So it would be a huge mistake thinking that we can play an enlightened master for a while when we burn incense, sit in zazen and read a few beautiful sentences about how amazing dharma is, as if incense, zazen and reading a few Buddhist sentences were a mere children's game and not our real experience. It would be a huge mistake to imagine that we can play Buddhists but real Buddhists are far away in the mountains, making straw sandals and talking to grass. We may imagine that we are only allowed to have a short glimpse into the wonderful, pure world of enlightenment, when we bow in front of the altar, burn incense, sit quietly in zazen and listen to some wise words of ancient masters. Once we have to leave the dojo and head to the toilet, take a shit, we have been rudely expelled from the Buddhist theater and must admit that we are only pitiful, stinking, useless, hopeless, stupid ordinary people who understand nothing. But true Buddhist teaching and experience couldn't be farther from that notion. In fact, once we stop playing a Buddhist in the dojo and actually go to the toilet, this is where our true Buddhist life begins. That's when we can really and deservedly shake hands with ancient masters. Not when we hope to become Buddhists or pretend we are ones, but when we dodge a lady rushing out of the kitchen with a hot pot in her burning hands. So the task is to realize that whenever we sit down and practice zazen, we are not holier or more special or closer to enlightenment than when we check the oil in our car's engine bay. And to imagine closer or father away from enlightenment would also be a mistake. We are there - in practice and experience of the truth -  just when we do something.

So this is a point I have to stress. The whole idea about what makes a great or true Buddhist is not so much about what you have attained or achieved or what you have become, rather what you have forgotten about yourself and others so you could do something completely now. And now. And now. And tomorrow. And next year. So the whole idea about a Buddhist who has solved all their problems and now smiles and plays with mudballs in the fields or insects in the mountains, it is a nice idea and for some historical and cultural reasons, there were probably many Chinese or Japanese monks who ended up playing with insects in the woods. But that is not the point or the meaning of Buddhism. The point is that you are doing something, be it shopping in Lidl or cleaning your skateboard or teaching your daughter how to make tea, you are in the same situation like those Chinese monks playing with foxes and pushing oxen or kicking their own asses or kicking each other's asses or the oxen's asses. It doesn't matter what it is, you cannot expect a 17th century Chinese monk deal with credit cards and buying air tickets to visit his grandchildren over the sea in Korea. It wouldn't be fair. They had to deal with oxen and mudballs, we deal with air-con and repellents. And no kind of super human Buddhist master may expect a person of  decent education and healthy mind to live in the woods and walk barefoot and chant sutras twelve hours a day.

Anyway, I think I am living my life in a way that is somehow naturally based both on my childhood experience and my genes, but also, on my Buddhist practice and study. I just feel my life has been strongly influenced or even positively diverted by that practice and study. At the same time, someone who doesn't understand the meaning of Buddhism at all, may not see any, I mean any trace of Buddhist practice or study in my everyday life. (Essentially we should not leave any trace of Buddhist practice or study, there is nothing special about a Buddhist that should stand out and be obvious, but I still think that if we have some experience in Buddhism, we can notice that we are not as confused as in the past and we have a bit more clarity about who we are and who we are not).  To them, I am just an ordinary person who gets upset too often. Someone who worries too much too often. Someone who cannot finish a simple daily task. Someone who has funny ideas about funny things. These people, actually, are right! I am that stupid and silly. That is absolutely true. But at the same time, and that is something they just cannot see, I am immensely grateful and strangely happy. I can sit down and practice zazen right now and deep down I know nothing is lacking. I am not seeking something better than this very moment of experience, or in the words of master Dogen practice-experience. To me practice- experience is the most I can get, so I am not hoping to get more than that. Even if I sometimes hope to buy that Lancia Fulvia 1600, deep down I know that practicing zazen or driving my little Panda is better if I do  it now and completely. So I don't know if you can say that I have a wonderful Buddhist life, but you can definitely say that I am a fool.