No Room for Love in Zen

Today I am going to use the word Zen instead of Buddhism, because if I say There is no room for love in Buddhism, people will think I am crazy. Of course, there is no room for love in Buddhism, but let's just talk about Zen, by Zen I mean the lineage of Buddhist teachers from Bodhidharma through master Dogen up to contemporary successors in Dogen's lineage.

I can imagine some people would like to argue with me right at the beginning. How can you claim there is no room for love in Zen? And then we would have an argument about the definition of love. But there is no room for argument in Zen either. It seems there is no room for anything in Zen, right?

Exactly, in fact there is no room for anything in Zen. So we can just pack up and go home. Or we can discuss, not argue but question and investigate. What does it mean that there is no room for anything in Zen? That means that we should not attach to anything. There is no room for advise like Look, that is really important, keep that in your mind. In Zen there is nothing we should keep in our mind. And if you say that our mind should be empty, ditch that idea, too. There is no room for empty mind in Zen, there is no room for unempty mind and anything else that looks similar to empty or unempty. Still, there is something in Zen that is important. That important thing is not something in your mind, but something real here and now.

Anyway, what about love. You must have come across the word compassion in connection with Buddhism or even Zen. What is the difference between compassion and love? More or less not much difference. Anyway, before we can express authentic compassion, we have to let go of ideas about compassion. True compassion comes out of our natural action before we think. If you see a blind person trying to cross the street, before you think, you help the person. But if you first think, oh, as a Buddhist... then no compassion follows, it is calculation. Anyway, how come there is no room for love in Buddhism? There is no room for romantic ideas about love.

When it comes to romantic relationships, when a man falls in love with a woman or vice versa or LBGT or what comes relationships, they have no room in Zen. That does not mean that such relationships are not welcome or discouraged. There is just not much comment. Have you ever heard a Zen master discuss tennis? Maybe comparing zazen to the moment before you serve the ball. But do Zen masters discuss the problems and theory of tennis? No. Do Zen masters from Bodhidharma through Dogen and master Sawaki ever discussed how to make a violin? Not likely. Why? Because these are specific fields of human civilized efforts. And so is a romantic love. It seems the relationship we have with our closest friends or parents or children or partners are so important and there must be a way to address these relationship in a Zen way. The relationships are important, of course.  It is important how  we treat our partners or parents or children. But there is no teaching on love in Zen, like how to love or why love somebody or how to express love or compassion. Instead Zen teaches something like: Forget about it, man. Just forget about it. Master Dogen taught that to study our true self, we have to forget ourselves. We have to forget ourselves and all ideas about love and romance and just become completely stupid at this moment. In that moment of perfect stupidity we can see our partner for the first time in our lives. That is a kind of hello moment, a moment of rebirth. In fact we don't even know whether that person is our partner. We have no idea if we love each other. A baby that has just been born does not think I love you, mom. It just acts - without any notions of love or hatred. It sucks completely. It shouts completely. The whole universe breathes in and out.

It seems like this is my instruction or advice on how to love someone. No, no. As I said, Zen has nothing to say about love. It just notices there is a complete action at this  moment when we are completely ourselves. A human love, romantic love is a kind of story, a movie. It may be very dramatic, frustrating, beautiful, sweet, strange, bitter, dark, crazy, passionate, wild, lukewarm, mutual or one-sided. But it is always a kind of story. People call this story love. But zen teaches say that when we let go of our stories, there is something truly brilliant. A monk comes to a master after a few years. He is touched by the moment and expects the master to show some emotions. The master, to the monk's disappointment, shows no trace of warmth. "Why are you so cold, master? We haven't seen each other for such a long time", says the monk. The master says: "There is something very intimate in the moment when we meet here and now." That means that when we truly, completely meet someone, there is more passion than in the wildest sex ever. But please, do not imitate this story. Forget this story and see for yourself what happens when you do not imitate anyone. Be spontaneous.

When I read my first book about Zen, it mentioned an old Chinese master talking about the sound of the creek in the valley. If you go to the valley with your beloved partner, it will be difficult to hear the sound of the creek. But if you say: "Do you mind if I forget about you for a while, I'd like to be quiet for some time..." Sit down, forget yourself and all love stories and koans and books about Zen and just listen to the creek. In that moment, true love will explode through all corners of the universe.

There is no room for love in Zen, but there is room for nature in its original form. I think it is possible to find something a bit deeper than human stories in the nature when it is revealed to us in its original form.

It is very difficult to find freedom and liberation from human delusions in the middle of a romantic relationship. But if you let go for a while, it is possible. There is plenty of room for true love when we dare to let go of everything. True love has no name. It is not a category. It is the original state of things. Nobody has grasped it yet. Nobody has caught and maintaned it. It will always escape. It is perfectly free. No teaching has ever defined it clearly.  Yet, beyond definitions and philosophy, it likes human beings and all creatures and mountains and clouds. It is always ready to dance with you.

Deeper, deeper... stop!

Yesterday at the Lotus Centre during my talk we came  across the notion that some people are more enlightened than others. It was just at the end of the talk that kind of got out of control as I didn't check time so you can imagine when a free discussion begins, where it leads to after an hour... I see it is definitely necessary to set a time limit to a talk. Anyway, just when we were about to stop, someone said that some people are more enlightened, or their enlightenment is deeper. And we decided to address this issue next time.

There is no such thing as deep or shallow enlightenment. Well, firstly, let's ditch the expression "enlightenment".  For obvious reasons which I have discussed on my blog a few times already. If we say awakening, there is nothing as being half-awake. Physically speaking, yes, you can be half asleep and half awake. I have experienced this many times. In the morning in my bed or dozing off in my office. Be careful about being half-awake when driving, please! Anyway, awakening in Buddhism is like traffic lights, either the green light is on or it isn't. If you get slapped all of a sudden, I am sure you will be as awake as Buddha was when he saw the Morning Star. Whenever we let our delusions flood our mind, we are not awake and whenever we let go or see clearly how deluded we are, we are awake. If you somehow let your thinking control your body and mind, there is no awakening. If you let go and just return completely to your activity here and now, you are awake.  This is not about beginners and experienced practitioners. This is about a momentary state of body and mind. Ancient zen masters knew nothing other than you already know. But the thing is they knew clearly that they didn't know anything special. They knew clearly that awakening is not something you gradually or suddenly attain to boast that in front of others ever since. There is depth to water or a bowl, but there is no depth to awakening or wisdom, it either appears or doesn't.

Kodo Sawaki said: "Simply the awareness that you are deluded, which comes from practicing zazen, makes you, in reality, a Buddha. It's zazen that teaches us that we are deluded, and hence delivers us from this delusion. When we actually practice zazen, and look carefully at all the deluded ideas that keep popping up, we realize how ordinary we are and how little we have to be proud or brag about; nothing to do other than quietly hide away. Satori is being enlightened to the fact that we are deluded."

By being enlightened to the fact that we are deluded doesn't mean that we have to stop and meditate about our delusions, as that would clearly be just going back to the depth of our delusions, it is rather immediately going back to what we are doing here and now.  What we need to do is just realize how deluded we are and in an instant return to reality here and now. And we have to do this a thousand times a day. Maybe there is a difference between someone who hopes to get rid of delusions and someone who sheds delusions in the middle of everyday action. As we continue our practice and study Buddhist philosophy with a reliable teacher, we learn and get to know different aspects of Buddhism, but this learning is to no avail if we hope to reach the heights of "enlightened masters" or look up to "enlightened masters" or look down to beginners who yet have to reach the spiritual experience we have had. Of course, master Dogen wrote about attaining the truth. It is a serious matter. But it is not about depth, progress or ranks. It is becoming ourselves in the middle of everyday actions, which is not an easy task, if you get entangled in spiritual theories. It is seeing, in theory and practice, how the ordinary person and Buddha are one and the same thing exactly. It is letting go of one and many, awakening and delusions. It is the warm, golden-sunny October Saturday afternoon.  

Is Zen Hygge?

This text is based on a Czech text about Zen and hygge, but I made some changes to the contents. Of course, it is basically the same message.  As for using the term Zen, I decided to use this term rather than Buddhism in this text, as the word "Buddhism" means all kinds of things to all kinds of people. Although the word Zen is also quite misleading, I feel it is still a bit closer to the actual meaning of Buddhism or Zen... 


I have recently come across a phenomenon called "hygge". It's basically a Danish lifestyle, which has become popular throughout the West in recent years. Maybe it will be popular in Japan as well, as the Japanese like to copy the West. What is the lifestyle? And why write about it on this blog? I wonder how it relates to Zen and whether it has any value for people who are interested in Zen.

Hygge, pronouncing "hyg", where the "y" sound has no equivalent in English, is a style that the Danes, I do not know when, have developed, in order not to be cold, sad and anxious. Who would  want to be cold, sad and anxious? Take the Italians for example. They also have a very specific lifestyle, but because they live in completely different geographic conditions, they are logically interested in things other than warm socks and a cup of hot chocolate - maybe a parasol and a glass of good wine. Why is Hygge so popular today? As I wrote, the Danes want to be warm, feel nice and not sad. So they need warm, hand-knitted woolen socks, throw blankets, cushions, a lot of cushions and a thick scarf. The Danes probably do not turn up the heating much in the winter, otherwise I cannot fathom why all those thick layers and woolen hats and scarves. Well, ideally, there is a fire place making the room even cozier. You are surrounded by  friends, sipping hot chocolate, if alone, reading a good book - or playing board games with others. If you are talking, you should avoid topics like politics or religion. No zen, then, no matter if you consider Zen a religion or not... See? A conflict already. Definitely don't argue what Zen is... Conversations must be pleasant and easy going. If it is summer, and in Denmark sometimes it is summer, I myself experienced it myself, then it is good to go for a beer with friends, go to a jazz club or a beach. Although the water is so cold that it is not possible to swim in it, you can play games on the beach or read - a real book, not stare at your smartphone screen. What is not Hygge - internet arguments, political demonstrations, your own graffiti on your neighbour's wall, road rage, etc.  If you are a prime minister, you have to treat your subordinates as if they were your best friends -  offer nice tea and cushions. Don't discuss politics!

How does it all relate to Zen?  Because I have decided that since September of this year I will live Hygge. There have been too many arguments about money and politics, and such... Enough cold feet and instant coffee... and enough fast food. I want to talk to people without making them feel uncomfortable... Of course, I am joking, but not completely. I would like to add that Hygge aspect to my everyday life, to my cycling, meeting friends, furnishing my bedroom, talking to my girlfriend and spending time with her. There is no need to add Hygge to zen retreats or weekly practice. There is some Hygge aspect to practicing zazen with others, some Hygge aspect to listening to your teacher's talks, while you are wrapped in a blanket and sipping nice coffee. We used to have retreats at Earth Spirit in England, and that place was very, very Hygge. The style, the furniture, the meals, the cozy atmosphere in the evening -  friends whispering to each other on the sofa, quietly giggling and feeling close. We even had a real saxophone players playing jazz at the end of the retreat - do you know John Hart? We had poets... Ralph? Dancers, forgot their names... all very Hygge.  But we shouldn't expect zen retreats to be Hygge from the beginning to the end. If there are no conflicts, if the teaching is not a bit harsh at times, there is something wrong. Even master Dogen wrote that the teaching must be a bit pushing at times.

Hygge is primarily about feeling good, cozy, comfortable and safe. Zen is primarily about becoming one with what you are doing right now, no matter if it is eating delicious cake or shoveling manure. When you drink tea, there is no difference between you and your tea. When you repair a bicycle, which is also a Hygge thing, if you do it calmly, in Zen it is primarily about being united with your activity. In Hygge you don't care if you are one or not with whatever you are doing, you just want to enjoy what you're doing, that's all.  In Zen this joy is secondary, it comes naturally. Or doesn't. Certainly someone having experienced Hygge may become interested in Zen or vice versa.

As for zazen, you know people like meditation, in general, when it is Hygge - no pain, you are wrapped in  a blanket, no pushing, nobody is telling you how to sit. Zazen is a bit different. There may be some pain or discomfort. But not too much. We should find a posture in which we can sit balanced, balancing right and left, back and forth, so you are looking for the middle, without being stiff. Also, mentally, not trying to feel nirvanic, nor being preoccupied with negative thoughts or anger, you just let these feelings or desire go, over and over again, and return to your posture.  There is no room for human sentiments and opinions in zazen. We can do that after zazen, discuss feelings, pain, opinions, but during zazen, you just sit pretty stupidly.  But when you do this completely, a new kind of freedom appears. Master Dogen wrote: If you continue this something ineffable (practicing zazen without being stiff mentally or physically) the warehouse of treasures will open naturally, and it will become possible to receive and make use of these treasures.

It sounds very grand and mystical, but basically master Dogen means that zazen helps us to be completely one with our coffee and blanket. Sometimes we have to endure a bit of pain in order to get some comfort. Some people have to work hard in the fields and factories so that we can have that delicious hot chocolate and buy that beautiful woolen scarf. Some masters tried extremely hard in severe conditions and the result was the complete freedom master Dogen writes about. Anyway, Hygge is a nice concept and great experience. As for Zen, it is up to you.

Buddha Means to Be Equal

There is a retreat with Mike Luetchford in Slovakia next week. When I think about the people going to this retreat, most of us have known each other for about ten years or so. Some of us are married, some divorced, many of us have a different partner compared to when we met. We have shared all kinds of things during our retreats and struggled and made efforts in between retreats. We have asked ourselves or others, or our teacher: What is Buddha? What is awakening? We have read books and found answers or failed to find answers to our questions. We may feel proud or underestimated. We may feel better than in the past or worse. But all in all, we are all perfectly equal.

Buddha Way points to the place where we are all equal. We often forget this. We talk about success or failure, teachers and students, beginners and advanced students,  but all in all, there is no difference between me or you, between a buddha and you. When we all sit in the zendo, saying nothing, all of us dealing with our silly thoughts and imagination, we are the same. When we share the lunch, we are the same. When we go to sleep, we are all the same. And when the teacher speaks, giving a talk about buddhas, we are all the same, teacher, students, we are all dealing with the same thing. We are all on board the same ship. We all wake up together when working in front of the house or when practicing zazen. When Buddha attained the truth, he realized that there is no difference between him and all beings. Essentially, all beings have the same awakening, here and now.          

If you know me personally, you know I was preoccupied with feelings about my value, about how much I mean to others, about my talents and failures, about my ambitions, about feeling odd and not accepted by others, etc. When I practiced zazen, this feeling disappeared for a while and I sank into the state of equality with all beings and things. But it was always very difficult for me to get free from myself. It is difficult for everyone. When we practice zazen, we may get free for a while. When we go hiking or when we cook, or when we clean the bathroom, we may be free for a while. This is very important. We deserve to get this freedom. This freedom is called buddha. It is the awakening that matters. There are no better or worse people in this awakening, there are no superior or inferior beings, no teachers or students, no women or men, no nations, no races, no political parties, no right, no wrong. We all deserve this awakening. And Buddha explained how important it is to experience this awakening. Awakening to equality of all beings and things.

Then, in this awakening, when all things and beings are equal, we can notice the beauty of red, the beauty of white, the beauty of green, the beauty of a rose. Because the intellect with its judgment and comparisons is quiet. When we drop our opinions of ourselves and others, only then we can fully appreciate the beauty of things and appreciate that we can eat, drink, sleep and breathe.

But this does not mean that we should never discuss anything, or have no ambitions or aspiration. This does not mean that our experience is the same as experience of somebody else. There are significant differences between people and all beings. There is a lot to learn from people whose experience is genuine, authentic. It may be a carpenter, a pianist or a chef. The problem is when we forget to reach the point when everything is equal and true. The moment a piano student touches the keys after being instructed - in that moment awakening to equality of things is possible and natural. So we practice zazen and learn the Buddhist philosophy to see clearly that differences matter to a certain point, but our awakening of the original self, which contains no differences, only complete action at this moment, is even more important than understanding and intellectual analysis. Both is necessary, but after all, the single undivided experience matters the most.

We may feel that we have made progress or achieved something within Buddhist practice but the most important achievement is when we realize that it is important to share this universe with others without judging them at the moment of actions like eating, drinking, walking or practicing zazen together. Sharing this universe with respect towards others and their struggles, that is very important. I have to treat my students at school as if I was more important than them, being a leader, a teacher, but they need my leadership. And I don't think I am more important than them at all. Teaching is possible without arrogance or feeling superior. Actually, in Buddhism, this attitude is necessary.

We may have studied Shobogenzo. Master Dogen often mentions great masters and talks about great awakening of different beings and things. But after all, master Dogen points to the equality of all things, that is all things are true and their truth is perfectly on par with the truth of other things, be it a plum blossom, or the full moon. No matter how painful our life is, we can always return to the situation where all things express the truth without stages or levels. We deserve to forget who we are and see the truth that silences our intellect and silences our questions and doubts and frustration and hopes. We are equal and true, essentially, and we deserve to see this and see others and all things as perfectly true as they are. This is the point where we should all meet. And I hope this coming retreat will be a success in terms of coming to equality and authenticity of things and equality and authenticity of our human actions, helping each other experience our true selves.

Awakening as the State of the Universe

Some people may have doubts whether awakening is some one's subjective, i.e. unreliable or delusional feeling or experience, other people may imagine that awakening is truly a great experience only great people can achieve. According to Zen, awakening is neither. It is neither subjective, nor objective. If experienced, it is the lack of something, that we experience, yet that "lack of" is only a shade glimpsed from a single point of view. If I say awakening is lack of something one experiences, then it is very far from the actual awakening. If I say awakening is abundance of something, it is also not very accurate. The only thing I can say about awakening is that it is the state when we do not think, do not imagine, do not dwell in the subjective state, nor the objective state, do not divide body and mind, do not divide oneself and the universe, it is the state where things are just like this, not just like somebody said or written. If you think it must be experienced by a person, otherwise nobody would mention it, you are somehow right, it must have been experienced in the past and recorded and written about it and it was called awakening, for example. But what was experienced was without thinking, without subject or object, so whoever "experienced" that, did not experience anything particular, yet they experienced something. What they experienced, though, was not somebody experiencing awakening, it was not somebody experiencing delusion, it was not somebody experiencing something, and it was not somebody experiencing nothing. What was experienced was :just like this, without subject or object.

How come it was recognized? What was recognized was not awakening, what was recognized was not something external, it was not something internal, it was not objective, nor subjective. But something was recognized. A mistake was recognized. I see! There is no awakening that one can experience. This mistake was recognized. But that recognition is technically, or inaccurately called awakening. Buddha means: I see, there is no awakening. But there is tea, grass, walls, rocks, clouds and birds. Somebody could say that finding the objective world is Buddha, or awakening, but that is not so. Anyone can easily find the objective world. And anyone can easily find the subjective world. Buddha does not mean that. Buddha means realizing that the universe is not divided into subject and object, in fact, it is finding that things are just like this, and there is no subjective awakening, rather subjective finding that we have been deluded by words and images. At the same time, when realizing our mistake, we do not consider ourselves awakened or Buddha, yet, the moment in which we see our delusions is called Buddha. Seeing our delusions is nothing one could boast. But in spite of no place of pride here, seeing our delusions is a necessary part of our efforts in Buddhism. So awakening to our delusions is necessary. Calling such awakening "enlightenment" is ridiculous. Calling it anything is not accurate, it may be misleading, but calling it enlightenment is really silly. The universe is enlightenment, and there is no need to be enlightened to experience the enlightenment of the universe. The problem is when we are stuck in our delusions about enlightenment and the state of the universe. So we need to see our mistake through practicing zazen. In zazen it is clear that the universe is Buddha itself and we do not need to understand it or grasp it or achieve the universe as Buddha. If we leave the universe be what it is, without adding subjects or objects, evaluation or images, the universe is Buddha. Then we are not separated from Buddha. Not being separate is called Buddha. Calling ourselves Buddha means nothing if we do not say that everything is Buddha at the same time at the moment of Buddha, which is the universe as it is right now.

So I have been writing about awakening, as if I have experienced awakening, but all I can say is that I have noticed a few times in the past, or maybe zillion times, that without my ideas, evaluation, thinking, opinions or point  of view, Buddha is present brightly here and now. This is not different from seeing one's mistakes and delusion or how ridiculous one is. Or we could say that one notices that ultimately, our ideas or thinking or imagination does not matter at all. Then we can say something. It won't be accurate, but it may point to the place where words are not necessary. We need to point to the delusions of people, point to our own delusions and mistakes, otherwise we and others may be forever stuck in the world of  human thinking, which is amazing, but still, it is a kind of hopeless prison, and what if we never get out of this prison?  

Thank You, Unknown Man...

This afternoon I was sipping coffee and munching on delicious ice cream in a cozy coffee shop in a trendy Prague neighborhood called Karlin, say something like Williamsburg in Brooklyn, only better... I had been thinking about something really silly all day and could not stop. Although it was a beautiful, sunny day and I had about three hours to go cycling along the river, I was considering going home... because I just wasn't in the mood for cycling or enjoying the spring day... As I was not really enjoying the delicious ice cream, being busy with my "agenda", I noticed a couple sitting at the next table who were talking about something familiar. I began to concentrate and listen carefully. The guy was explaining something to the lady. In a nice, patient voice. He was Asian. Ah, he is talking about the clarity of the present moment.  Maybe he was a Tibetan teacher.  I didn't think I was doing something wrong listening to this informal teisho. So I continued. He was explaining something I have heard Mike, my teacher, speak about many, many times, and I myself had tried to explain the thing many many times before. He was talking about the clarity and brightness there is when we let go of our ideas, images, opinions, hopes, memories and worries. There was a beautiful flower in a vase in the window just in front of me. I noticed its beauty. The ice cream finally started to taste delicious. My eyes got misty and then tears started to run down my cheeks. I had been busy thinking about something silly all day, but now I noticed. The flower is wonderful, it is sunny and I am sipping nice espresso here. I quickly glanced at the guy, my cheeks still wet. He was smiling. Of course, I am going cycling now! What else! It is a beautiful day...  

So thank you, unknown fellow, for your teaching. We all forget from time to time, we all forget to notice what is present and wonderful, preferring our own issues and dreams. So although we sometimes say that it is necessary to let go of Buddhist teaching, this specific teaching, which I have heard so many times so far, and which was often helpful, points to something much more interesting than Buddhist teaching. It points to the beautiful spring day, the flowers and ice cream. It is not so convincing when we read about it in books or on blogs like this, but it is sometimes very touching and helpful, when it is given sincerely from person to person.

We have heard a lot of stories about scandalous behavior of all kinds of famous teachers. Although it is important to have a sense of justice and caring, even if one true sentence is said by someone who did wrong things in the past, it is still true teaching. We never know who may be our teacher after all... He or she may have done something really bad in the past.... this guy today may have been in prison for all kinds of things, who knows, but today he has passed a piece of true teaching in a coffee shop. To me, to the lady... to the spring day.

How to Do Our Best

Last time I promised I would write an article about the meaning of "doing our best". This story might not be very encouraging, but you are probably a very different person, have very different experience and be much more mature than I am now. I have no idea, but I will just tell you what it was for me "to do my best" for twenty five years of my Buddhist practice.

Ever since I began to practice zazen and study the Buddhist philosophy with teachers, I have seldom  felt  happy about who I was and what my situation was. Except a short time after I returned from the US where I began my Buddhist practice. After my return home, which was and still is Prague, the Czech Republic, I felt like I had brought a new life from the US. The direction I got at the Zen center seemed amazing and it worked great for some time. But soon I started to realize that I was slowly and surely returning into a mindset which I would call "something is wrong with me".  I had started to practice Zen in Kwan Um school, which is based on working on koans, helping others more than oneself and practicing hard with others and for others. I thought that I was one of the most impatient and frustrated students. Then I discovered  a book of Dogen's essays and some interpretation of Dogen's teaching and decided to find a teacher who would teach me in that style. I particularly liked the teaching   that satori (in which I was very interested at that time) is not different from zazen and zazen is not different from satori.  Then I tried two different teachers during ten years, but my relationship with them didn't work and I wasn't sure if they could ever help me to realize who I am actually. In the meantime, I was a loser in relationships with women and I felt like one, as a high school teacher. My life, until recently, felt so unsatisfactory and frustrating, that at one point I hit a kind of rock bottom. I felt like I was not able to continue like this. I felt my efforts and the results of these efforts were so stupidly different that it was ridiculous. I tried so hard to practice zazen, to work, to be a good partner, to write about Buddhism on this blog, but about eight years ago I really felt like it was all going nowhere. You may ask: "If you were so desperate and unhappy, how come you were writing such positive and encouraging essays about Buddhist teaching and practice?" Actually, what I was writing was my experience, to some degree, but I was not just one person, I was two people. Although most of the time I felt like a loser, a silly oddball, I did have a kind of area in my life, where I found satisfaction, clarity, joy, hope and happiness. That was whenever I practiced zazen for more than thirty minutes, ideally an hour or more. Of course, you'll find peace and balance in ten minutes of zazen, but to me, in order to feel balanced and clear, I needed more time on the zafu than that. Nobody should imitate others, as you need to find your own pace and time for zazen, it may be ten minutes a day, maybe three hours a day, everyone is different. Just in my case, I always found one hour or so very helpful for writing essays and feeling all right about myself and the world.  But the way I was unhappy most of the time, there was something sick about it. I don't think it is necessary to feel that bad about oneself. But I did. I never had a relaxed relationship with my current teacher Mike Luetchford,  I mean until last year, I would say. I had struggled to find my role and his role in our relationship. For me, it was very difficult to talk to him, which wasn't his fault, I just took him too seriously quite often. That was painful. I did not know who I was supposed to be. I really did not know if I was doing my best and usually I felt I was not doing my best. This situation seemed to be my fate, to be my whole life. It was painful, but at the same time, you know, we humans get used to such things and consider them common or just the way it is. You get used to it and at the same time, don't want to accept it.

Anyway, last year, last winter, I somehow, not sure what events exactly helped me to realize that, but I somehow realized that the way I am, the way I lived and struggled, how I tried hard, as a partner, as a high school teacher, as a writer, as my teacher's student, as a friend, as a son, etc., I just realized that basically, it would, essentially, never be better. The word "essentially" is important here. Your life can always be a bit better or a bit worse, you may become very lucky one day and extremely unlucky another day, but there is something essential that just never changes. And that is important to find. That which never changes. The you, your self, that is always the same. The buddha nature that is never better, worse or different from somebody else's buddha nature. It is like living in an eggshell you can never ever escape, no matter how hard you try... and you cry and you try hard to get out of the eggshell, but to no avail. Actually, you are trying to escape your buddha nature! Because for some reason, the buddha nature seems to be a prison, not freedom. You think that you do not belong to the eggshell, you feel you should live somewhere better, somewhere nicer, more interesting and show others, that you are not just a stupid chicken trapped in that stupid eggshell. You want to go and conquer the world. You want to show them. You want to go and join the free running chickens. You want to be Somebody. Not a loser, not a chicken trapped in an eggshell. But last winter, during a few days, I slowly realized that I could never escape. I can never escape my life, my weaknesses, my gifts, my quirks, my hopes, my dreams, my experience. I found out that the only thing I could do about myself was to accept who I was and try to use this guy like some kind of dough you use to make bread. You hope the dough is good enough and now you have to make it into bread. Bread should be delicious and balanced, but we humans cannot hope to be made into something brilliant. We can only hope to be the bread we are supposed to be. Some people are more brilliant, some people are less brilliant, but the dough is the same for us. So in my case, as I realized that the dough is given and won't change, I wanted to see what can happen, or what kind of bread will be made. As for living in a small eggshell, just as I gave up trying to escape that eggshell, I found freedom within the small and limited space of the eggshell. I realized that when we just relax, accept both the shit and beauty of our lives, the necessary limits, we can breathe freely. It is the same with zazen. Although you may not move much and you just face this boring wall for an hour, or so, once you accept this sitting still in front of the wall, you may begin to feel free. Free, despite the stillness and going nowhere and getting nothing special.

Ever since last winter, to "do one's best" has meant something different from what it meant to me in the past. I am somehow clumsily living in my little eggshell, without much wisdom or brightness.  Maybe I am just finding out who I am. Maybe it is not all so simple and clear and I may become confused about myself again some time in future. I just think that whenever there is an obstacle or pain, you just have to go straight and deal with the situation. Or take painkillers. When you look back, you may feel you could have done better, but this time, you are not so frustrated. You did your best. Next time you will do your best. People won't be impressed. But little do they know how small your eggshell is.

I am sure zazen is something that makes buddhas out of fools, out of simpletons and out of intellectuals. The path of Buddhas is clear and bright. We can always reach out and open the window to let the fresh air of dharma transform the fool we are and make a buddha. We can let this dharma accompany our lives, no matter if we feel horrible about ourselves or more or less OK.  After all the twenty five years I was struggling, I was also a fine person, I hope, but it was difficult for me  to see it. We are all trapped, and at the same time, we can all meet dharma and find our true home in dharma. Time is not that important after all. When or how much later, that is not so important. Can we do something real today? Can we wake up today, just like yesterday, just like cats and dogs and birds? I am sure we all can.

A Strange Wood

There was a strange wood far away in the mountains. All the trees were quite crazy except one.

There was a tree that said: "I don't want to be an ordinary tree. I want to be the most beautiful tree in the world. I want to be decorated with pearls and diamonds and wear a beautiful silk dress. I want everyone to adore me! It is unbearable to be an ordinary tree like thousands of others!"

Another tree said: "I want to be the tallest tree in the world. I want to be above others and see what the other trees can never see. I want to be the closest to the sky and be the one that an eagle chooses to sit on when flying above. It is awful to be just like other trees. I don't want to be an ordinary tree!"

There was another tree that said: "I think it is much more important to be compassionate than beautiful or tall. I want to be the most compassionate tree in the world. I want to offer shade to insects and other little animals and offer my branches to all kinds of ants and bugs and birds. I want all little creatures to come to me and choose me as their home. I don't want to be just one of those trees nobody needs."

There was a tree that said: "I want to be the strongest tree in the world. When there is an orcan, I want to survive, I don't want to break like many other trees that are too weak. It is important to be strong and I want to be the strongest tree in the world. Otherwise, my life is meaningless, really embarrassing."

And another tree said: "All these things you are talking about, trees, are ridiculous. I want to be the wisest tree. I want to teach other trees about the truth. I want other trees to follow me and listen to my wise words. You may be ignorant as much as you like, but I am going to be the one that teaches woods and forests. I hope to be the wisest tree there is. Nobody will laugh at me."

So such were the hopes of these strange trees. Maybe they overheard people discuss the meaning of life some time in the past. Maybe they understood the human speech and were misled by theories and hopes of people. But there was a tree that was different. This tree was not infected by the ideas of people although even it heard and understood such words.

This tree said: "Why do you want to be stronger than you are? Why do you want to be more beautiful? Why do you want to have more compassion? Why are you afraid that you are useless? Why do you need more wisdom? Why do you hope to teach others while other trees know exactly how to be true? You trees should realize that the way you look, the way you offer shade, the way you sway in the wind, the beautiful sound your leaves make in the wind,  and the way you grow is more than enough. You all are strong enough already, compassionate enough, beautiful enough, special enough, wise more than enough, tall enough and you basically don't need to change. Just notice how a storm comes and how you can never separate from the storm. Notice how you let bugs and birds be a part of you. Notice how children are happy when they can freely run in your shade. Notice how squirrels enjoy their meal in your crowns,  how the rain happily falls on you, how flowers bloom under you, how birds sing their love songs for which they very much need you. How can't you see how wonderful you are? How can't you see what the meaning of your life is? Just be a tree, the way you already are, and there will be no worries and all creatures will come to you and will love you as you are. Please, do not waste this opportunity to be exactly a tree!"
                 

Zazen Is Not Everywhere

You might have come across the idea that everything is zazen or zazen is everything. People who are not very interested in zazen, but read a lot of books about Buddhism and Eastern philosophy like to say that it is not necessary to follow a particular path, to follow  a certain kind of Buddhist teaching, because to them everything is Buddhist teaching. So zazen is also something universal. To them, because zazen is everywhere, it is not necessary to sit in a certain posture. 

These people are right, but also wrong. They are right because Buddhist teaching is really everywhere and zazen is nothing special, so even if you wash the dishes, zazen is there, too. Zazen has some kind of universal nature, so it has to be found in all kinds of activities. But at the same time, zazen is a particular way of sitting. So it is not just "everything" or "nothing". It is also a very precise way of sitting. If you say that zazen is just anything, it is not very complete, it is quite narrow minded. But if you say that zazen is a particular way of sitting, it is only half of the whole picture. Master Dogen said that zazen has nothing to do with sitting, lying, or standing. It is not a kind of sitting, yet it is a very solid, a very realistic, a very vivid thing. It cannot be replaced by ideas or thinking only. So people who only talk about zazen without practicing zazen cannot understand zazen completely. And the same thing is true about Buddhist teaching. Although it is everywhere, you don't know what is everywhere, unless you penetrate things through and through, not relying on words and ideas only, but relying on your complete experience of things, which are beyond words and ideas. Then, beyond words and ideas, you cannot really say much about reality of things, other than encourage yourself and others to experience reality of things.

Because Buddhist teaching is something fundamental, we cannot say it is only here, in a Buddhist temple, or a Buddhist book, or in the posture of zazen. It is really expressed through all kinds of things. But it is expressed vividly, not in words. So people who have not experienced the vivid presence of things don't know what is so vivid about Buddha's experience.

We should not forget that zazen is really beyond words and categories, so it cannot be limited by a certain kind of posture. But only in this particular posture it is possible to confirm the universal nature of Buddhist teaching. Also, when we hear that right now, at this moment, sitting in Buddha's posture, you already are perfectly a buddha, that doesn't mean it is not necessary to make any effort. It doesn't mean that we can practice zazen just two minutes once a month. If we experience the immediate realization of Buddha, then we lose interest in counting seconds or minutes, and we naturally want to return to the posture of immediate Buddha. Buddha is something immediate, but this immediacy has to be confirmed over and over again, it is never completed. We can never satisfy our desire to return to our Buddha nature. This hunger makes us return to the zendo over and over again. But it is not some kind of frustration or feeling incomplete, it is rather enjoying this opportunity to wake up over and over again. So even if we realize the Buddhist truth at this moment, we cannot wait for too long and want to realize the Buddhist truth again. We always forget what the Buddhist truth is, actually we must forget what the Buddhist truth is, because if we kept the Buddhist truth, we would make it stiff and consequently dead. There is no rigidity in the truth so it has to be forgotten and discovered over and over again. So even if immediately we become a buddha in zazen, it is never enough. It doesn't mean we want to sit in zazen for two, three or four hours trying to accumulate some kind of experience. It mustn't be like that. It is rather sitting as if we forgot what we wanted to do or achieve, so after all we sit without waiting for anything to happen, without feeling proud after some experience or feeling frustrated as if some experience was not coming. We can sit for ten minutes, half an hour, one hour, two hours, but we must always forget how long and where, and always return to the immediate reality of buddhas. So in the world of people, it is necessary to fit our practice, our schedule, into the world of people, to match the sitting with different daily tasks. It is not dying in zazen or falling asleep in zazen or trying hard to attain enlightenment in zazen. It is just practicing zazen every day for some time and doing something very simple, very "not intellectual".  

The universal nature of zazen is important. Without this universal nature of zazen, it is impossible to practice zazen correctly. The essence comes out from the universe, not our thinking or imagination. Because people forget the universal nature of things and being, they have too many problems. But when we realize these problems come from the universal, original clarity of all things, these problems are not so difficult to solve.

We might say there are two floors in the universe. The first floor, or in British English, the ground floor, means everything is perfect and no change or solution is necessary. The second floor, or the first floor in British English, is a floor where almost everything is a problem, there are thousands of mistakes everywhere and people are trying hard to improve things or give up trying to improve things. So when somebody says: "I practice zazen, but I have problems. You don't practice zazen, but you don't have problems. How come?" This is talking about the second floor of the universe. The second floor is always busy and difficult, excited or messed up. It is the law of cause and effect, the karma of the universe. If you practice zazen only on the second floor, you may be surprised how little effect zazen has on your life. But the universal nature of zazen, the fact that zazen is not just a posture, it means that zazen is practiced both on the first floor and the second floor. The first floor is the universal nature of things, the essence of things, which is impossible to find here or there, it is neither mine nor yours, and yet it is both mine and yours. So no matter if you practice zazen or not, it doesn't matter. But to somebody, who has become interested in Buddha's teaching, to say that you don't have to practice zazen, it is very misleading.

Actually, we should always forget what it's like to practice zazen. So we always want to experience zazen again, to see what it's like. To practice zazen with others means that we can leave our personal agenda and join buddhas. Use this particular body and mind and immediately leave this body and mind through this simple action of sitting. This practice won't make us better than those who don't practice zazen, but it will help us match our own efforts of Buddha with the efforts of Gautama Buddha. When you just practice and do not put your practice into any categories, then there is no difference between you and the Buddha, who did not put himself or anything into any categories. Yet he experienced that which is not put into categories and is very lively and bright. 

The Mouth of the Universe

Buddhism is not about adding something to your life. Or to your experience. So for example you may expect that through Buddhism you will experience something that you never experienced before. But in fact you do not practice Buddhism in order to experience something you never experienced before, rather to experience completely whatever you may experience. So it would be a big mistake if your Buddhist practice and studies made your life more interesting or entertaining. Or if Buddhism made you a wiser person.

Of course a good teacher may sound wise but that is not the point. The wisdom a teacher wants to convey is very very simple. When you take those famous Chinese zen masters you may believe that actually the words they said made them authentic zen masters. But in fact their own everyday life experience which can never be expressed in words was what made  them authentic zen masters. Because they had true authentic experience of everyday life and at the same time were completely aware of the value and meaning of everyday life experience they could express  in their own words what the meaning of Buddhism is. These days people,  actually anyone can experience the same coldness of cold water and the same warmth coming from a fire that those Chinese masters experienced but it takes a lot of efforts and sincere practice and asking questions before we can fully appreciate the very coldness and warmth of things and even if we can fully appreciate what we experience it is difficult to speak about it if we are too clever or would like to impress others.

 I think although we absolutely need a true teacher who can explain what  Buddhism is and express in their own actions what Buddhism is, it is best to listen to the sound of the fridge or the engine or to paraphrase one Chinese master the sound of the creek in the valley, and find the meaning  of Buddhism there. Actually it is necessary to find the meaning of our own life in the sound of the engine or the dog barking. It is not rocket science but our clever mind doesn't like direct experience of things. So going against our cleverness is one of the challenges of zazen and Buddhist studies.

The most important wisdom of Buddhism does not come from the mouth of zen masters, rather from the mouth of the universe. So it is good to let this mouth speak to us from time to time. Putting aside religion, spiritual teachings, wisdom of masters, it is nice to taste strawberry jam and have some tea. 

Dae Kwang's Talk

Today, at the Day of zazen in Prague, I was translating a talk given by Dae Kwang, who was my teacher at the Providence Center in the USA in the summer of 1992.  I would like to summarize the basic ideas Dae Kwang spoke about  in his talk. Actually, he talked about the basic things Buddha found out.

Firstly, Buddha realized that everything and all beings have Buddha's nature, nature of awakening.

Secondly, Buddha realized that suffering is caused by misunderstanding ourselves, by not understanding our Buddha nature.

Thirdly, as we do not understand ourselves, we blame others for our own misery. We have enemies, we hate them and they usually hate us.

Here I added my own comment - of course, criminals are causing suffering to others. In Buddhism, however, we do not respond to the fact that someone causes suffering to us by hatred. Instead, we understand that what this person has caused is the result of his misunderstanding of himself or herself. So again, the suffering originates not from outside, but from internal conditions. While we generally claim that someone has caused us suffering, when we really understand the essence of ourselves and the others, rather than suffering, we can see the character of human conflicts. Like that we do not consider ourselves victims, rather an observer of an unfortunate situation.

Fourthly, when we only read and study the beautiful ideas of Buddhism, it does not have any real effect on our lives. Because Buddhism is not about understanding, it is about our own experience we get in practicing Buddhism, practicing zazen. When we practice zazen, we learn not to hold on to any opinions or thoughts, so we are actually returning to our own awakened nature, and experience our own awakening. Therefore, one must clearly see the difference between understanding Buddha's beautiful ideas and their own experience of awakening. These are two completely different things! There is nothing beautiful or ugly in one's own awakening. There is no room for any thoughts, neither stupid nor wise in waking up.

Here's my last comment. Awakening is not the ultimate solution to our lives. Life itself, moment by moment, experienced honestly and directly, is the ultimate solution. Of course there is no finality here, on the other hand every moment is the last. It is not about living clearly and flawlessly, rather about stumbling over obstacles over and over again, without being afraid that we won't get anywhere. Without being proud about how far we have gone.

Why We Need Buddhism Devoid of Spirituality

What is spiritual? What is not spiritual? Most people will guess that Buddhism is an extremely spiritual matter.  Not much practical. I would say that it is as practical as spiritual, but at the same time, yes, I am contradicting myself, the essence of Buddha's teaching, is not spiritual at all.

Candles, burning incense, bells, drums, shaved heads, birds chirping, water in a tea kettle boiling, long black garments, more incense, more tea, people are quiet, smiling, balance, yin and yang, dragons and mystery, strange dance at midnight... sutra chanting... Lots of people love this, and they call it spirituality. They go to India, Thailand or Japan to visit temples and experience at least a little bit of that spirituality. Some people practice yoga, study Tao, try to harmonize, meditate, they want their lives to be more spiritual. Some people choose Buddhism, they even go to a retreat, listen to a teacher, and say, wow, beautiful. So all those things are considered spiritual. But is Buddhism really spiritual in its essence?

Several years ago I realized there was something wrong with the way I use my masculine and feminine energy. And a few days ago I realized some people cannot accept the concept of masculine and feminine energy as it is somehow misleading and may push men and women into some kind of categories  they don't really want to accept. So instead of masculine and feminine, I will use yin and yang, and please, do not suppose I consider yin masculine or feminine, just I think there are complementary energies working within our bodies and minds and I agree that we can avoid calling these energies masculine or feminine. Let's just call them yin and yang. I cannot help it but I can feel inside me the dynamics of these energies and how I interact with others based on how these energies in me prevail or withdraw. And how sometimes it makes me feel awful and lost and sometimes balanced, confident and helpful. And I don't think we have to be experienced and well taught Taoists in order to be allowed to use the terms yin and yang. I think it is clear that these complementary energies exist universally and somehow make this universe tick. Anyway, dealing with energies, and feeling upset or balanced, how does it relate to Buddhism or why shouldn't this relate to Buddhism? Isn't Buddhism all about harmony and balance?

I think it is absolutely natural that when we go to a retreat for the first time or seek a teacher, or both, we hope something or someone or both will help us find balance and peace within. Even if there is a lot of talk about the truth in Buddhism, maybe a lot of people consider the truth something that is too sharp, too clear or too one-sided to be bothered by that concept and instead they prefer learning to experience balance, harmony, peace and inner happiness. I was the opposite, as I was practicing at Providence Zen Center in the US in early 90s, I was not interested in balance, harmony or inner happiness at all. At all. I was only interested in that sharp, too clear, Her Majesty Truth. So I couldn't care less if Buddhism was spiritual or not. If I was asked to bow or burn incense, I did it, hoping that it is a necessary part of the journey to the truth. Monks with shaved heads, strange gray clothes, be it, just give me the Truth. And funnily enough, for years, I was allergic to the spiritual aspect of Buddhism. So whenever I told people I was a Buddhist, I felt like I was lying, because I was not that spiritual kind of Buddhist. I was selfish, angry, impatient, greedy, superficial and materialistic. I loved women, cars, good food, going to the beach. As for bells, tea, incense... well I can tolerate those... And I still love women, cars, good food, and I am still quite selfish at times. But I am beginning to see the role of spiritual in one's life and the role of practical and the role of Buddhist teaching as something that is not spiritual at all.

As for yin and yang, or complementary energies that make this universe tick, I am absolutely sure that we cannot ignore those and that it is necessary to learn at least a little bit, how these energies work and how to use them and when. For example, if I asked my students what to do all the time, if I told them how sensitive I am, if I was moody teaching them, they would be confused, upset and angry after all. But when I am with my girlfriend, I can say to her, I am sad, I need you, I am confused, I need your advise. But I cannot do it all the time, she also needs someone who will support her and tell her what to do from time to time. So when we deal with a partner, teacher, student or a child, we can sometimes notice that we are not using the right energy, or the energy that is appropriate at that moment. Sometimes it is necessary to answer. Sometimes it is necessary to ask. Sometimes it is OK to be confused .Sometimes it is nice to be clear and lead others to clarity. Sometimes we ask others to lead us to clarity. That is all well and natural. The pain is when the forces are opposing themselves, when there are two answers competing with one another, two people hating each other or two partners both completely lost and having no idea where to go. Of course, these situations happen and sometimes we can learn from them. I am not saying that it is important to avoid conflicts, fights or misunderstanding. But it is also wonderful, when we learn how to transform darkness into light, confusion into direction, hatred into love and noise into the sound of the woods in the Spring. So we can learn how to work with these complementary energies and that is a kind of area that I am definitely not going to cover here or on my blog. Because although it seems as a necessary or natural part of Buddhism, I think it is as Buddhist to talk about yin and yang as it is to talk about combustion engines or banking accounts. It is just an area that has its own space. It deserves a serious, maybe a professional approach, which I cannot offer.

Well, you could say what about the theory of autonomic nervous system and its balance. I think that is a way to explain how zazen works, if we need to know how zazen changes our mental and physical state. Of course, zazen does change our mental and physical state and we could say, logically, zazen is very spiritual, or absolutely spiritual. It does not change the state of our finances, it does not go to the post office, but it changes our state. Right, but we shouldn't stick to that. In fact we must not stick to that. Zazen is not a tool that should make our life different or better or more spiritual. It is not a tool that should change our personality or opinions. It is just not a tool at all. Of course, as we practice zazen, the situation during the day changes, we may change our attitude to something, because zazen has changed our state recently. And if we practice zazen for twenty years, every day, it will surely change something about our life and personality. But that is not the point, that is only a spin-off.  Because the whole point of Buddha's teaching and practice is not a change. It is not playing with complementary energies, it is not transforming darkness into light and confusion into clarity. Now you might be confused... not transforming confusion into clarity? Not delusion into truth? Not darkness into brightness? Not One Bright Pearl?

Well, you could stubbornly consider Buddha's teaching the most beautiful spiritual path. You could consider Buddha's teaching turning angry people into peaceful and happy beings.  You could consider Buddha's teaching turning garbage into roses. But I am afraid Buddha himself would not be very excited if you interpreted his teaching like that.

When you take a cup of coffee and have a sip of coffee, then nothing matters. Buddha doesn't matter. Spiritual problems are useless. Practical problems are useless. Money is not necessary. Meditation is ridiculous. Sex is nonsense. Life is a joke. Death is a myth. Buddha is a clown. There is only one thing, having a sip of delicious coffee. That is Buddha's teaching. And if you call that Buddha's teaching, you may be misleading yourself and others. So dropping Buddha's teaching right now is absolutely necessary, otherwise all Buddha Gautama's efforts practicing zazen for years and teaching the truth for years were useless. He only did all those things so that one day a person somewhere on the planet Earth could have a cup of coffee, completely.                  

It's OK If It Doesn't Show You're a Buddhist

In my last article about my not so brilliant Buddhist life I came across the problem of whether it shows one is a Buddhist, or whether it should show. I know some people may be proud of their Buddhist history and attainments and certificates and what not, but as far as I know, authentic Buddhist teachers want us not to show any trace of our Buddhist experience or history, at least in our everyday actions, unless someone asks us about Buddhism and our experience, of course. But if it is obvious that you are a Buddhist based on the way you talk, walk, drink, eat or sleep, then something is wrong.

I would say there are basically two ways to understand the meaning of Buddhism and I am sure one is wrong and one is right. One way is to understand that our Buddhist practice has to bring results and these results show in the way we act, speak, etc. Typically, a Buddhist, according to this understanding, is never angry, is always compassionate, patient, talks slowly and clearly, no matter what, eats carefully and completely, sleeps perfectly, makes only wise decisions and is very tolerant of people who make mistakes.  These people, ideally, are also enlightened, which is understood as knowing all about the universe, self and others and having absolutely no problems to worry about. This understanding of Buddhism is based on some kind of misinterpretation of original Buddha's teaching. I am aware that in some traditions practitioners are encouraged to act and live like the ideal person above, but I still maintain that such understanding is not actual Buddha's teaching.

The other understanding is very different and it is the understanding that was passed on by modern teachers like Kodo Sawaki, Shunryu Suzuki, Nishijima roshi, and current teachers like Brad Warner or Mike Luetchford. It says something I would sum up, using Brad Warner's words,  as "Don't be a jerk and just do what you're doing now." There are many, many ways to sum up this teaching, but you can never completely define this teaching, because it is essentially perfectly open. It is perfectly open to reality of our lives, be it dark , bright or strange. Don't be a jerk doesn't mean Stop getting angry, stop wanting that vintage car, stop criticizing your sister or stop making mistakes when speaking French. Don't be a jerk means Are you absolutely sure that it is necessary to get angry now? Are you absolutely sure that you absolutely want that Versace coat? Are you absolutely sure that your sister is a threat to the world peace and happiness? And the answer, of a sincere Buddhist, could be: I am not sure, but I just got angry. I am not sure I need that car, but I really like it. So the point is making efforts to act in accord with reality, but that effort includes the truth that we are imperfect human beings and we will never become a perfect human being, or a perfect buddha. The thing is that the so called "Buddha"is not a finished, complete, brilliant person. The thing called Buddha is not as much a person as a state of things. It is a balance of things that may hit us from time to time and that Buddha thing goes through our body and mind, hits it and it shows. But the way it shows is transparent, so nobody can really notice. The only thing we can notice about the moment when Buddha goes through our body and mind, is that we don't feel strange, we don't feel messed up, upset, upside down, on the contrary, everything seems settled. Or nicely open. And we often simply don't notice at all. Anyway, noticing or not, at that moment we and the universe is one thing. This is a situation, not a person. And this situation is called buddhas, it is called masters, it is called awakening, it is called dharma, it is called the truth, it is called brilliant. It has been praised by our ancestors for centuries. This Buddha state was probably first noticed by Gautama or at least clearly analysed and described by Gautama, and it was later called "enlightenment". But this very label absolutely messed up the original meaning of awakening. Instead of situation, the situation was called a finished person. Instead of watching flowers bloom, people followed Buddha Gautama's brilliant words. They followed his words, his actions, his decisions, his understanding, but because people do not always understand their teacher completely and usually misunderstand their teacher from time to time and often misunderstand the teaching completely, the whole of Buddhist teaching that Gautama established changed from teaching a situation to teaching people to become so called buddhas. Since then thousands of people have  tried hard to become buddhas to no avail. Some of them became idols, gurus, famous leaders, but frankly, they have become something they actually did not want to be initially. Or maybe they never wanted to find out what buddha really means and that it is a perfectly open situation.

So in my last article I mentioned all kinds of problems I have in my life. There is basically nothing special people could notice about me and if they do notice something they can say it is my character or my genes, not my Buddhist efforts. If you have practiced zazen for twenty years, have been to dozens of sesshins and your colleagues are absolutely shocked when you tell them you are a Buddhist, that is not something to be alarmed about. That is not something to reflect upon. Because the situation when Buddha goes through your body and mind and the state is open and transparent, is nothing other people can easily notice. On the other hand, Kodo Sawaki said something like if you practice zazen correctly, it will show in your family... This is a very complicated matter. In a way, it is true. If you practice zazen and there is no balance or clarity in your life, I mean if you just see absolutely no balance at all and you are as confused and angry as in the past and you hate the same people with the same vigour, then I would say Kodo Sawaki is right, there must be a loose screw somewhere. But still, if you become a more balanced person and you stop doing certain crazy things, what do you think others will notice? Nothing, to them, you will be a normal person and they will see nothing Buddhist about you. Only you know that you stopped doing that crazy thing you used to do. Only you know that you don't run around at night and don't break things out of desperation any more. Only you know that you have learned to notice the beauty of golden leaves in October. Only you know how you feel in zazen, how the mental burden melts and how you smile again and again despite your problems. Only you know these very intimate things. Many people are not Buddhists and are naturally balanced, wise and see flowers and clouds and hear birds chirping. I am not saying we all have to practice zazen, otherwise we cannot meet the Buddha state. On the contrary, it is the most natural thing to meet buddhas for every being in the universe and every thing in the universe. To meet the Buddha is the first and last thing that happens in the universe. It is the situation that is happening right now everywhere in the universe. So it is so obvious and clear that many people just do not notice. It is natural to have that state many times a day. So becoming a Buddhist you learn what our original state is, not how to become very different. So of course, it is not something that should shine or strike others. If it shines at all, its simplicity shines. If you think a teacher is an old buddha, it is because he or she doesn't add much to what he or she originally is. But many people are this natural and themselves, without having to study and practice Buddhism. We, who practice zazen and study Buddhism, do not do it in order to become great or better than others, we do it because we came across authentic Dharma, were hit by the clarity of its teaching and we cannot go away any more. Because we have experienced the simplicity of zazen, we practice zazen and we don't care if others notice or not. We make efforts not in order to become great people but because we just see no other option. We make efforts because we realized that it is the only way to live our lives. We may be called idiots, silly, crazy, lazy or whatever, still, we cannot stop making efforts. Some people will notice, some people will not notice. That doesn't matter. I like to compare our Buddhist efforts to trees in the woods. They make efforts all the time. Do other trees notice? Do birds notice? Who praises trees? Who certifies a tree? Who asks a tree questions? Yet, a tree will be a tree, making efforts to be a tree no matter what. Floods, wildfires, woodcutters, builders may come...

To be a human being is a very interesting situation. And we are not so different from trees. Trees are naturally different from other trees. They don't try to stand out. Still, you can notice a pine over there or a birch here is very different from the other trees. The difference has happened naturally. So as people we can concentrate on our everyday lives and not worry about others criticizing us, ignoring us or praising us. Being a human itself is a wonderful situation. It is wonderful enough, don't you think?  

    

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My Oh So Wonderful Buddhist Life

You may think that the title of this article is not meant seriously, that I am being sarcastic. My wonderful Buddhist life. Do I want to tell you how wonderful my life is and that it is so wonderful because I am a wonderful Buddhist who understands all about Buddhism and knows how to beautifully deal with all kinds of nasty problems? Or do I want to tell you that my life is crap and that the little I know about Buddhism doesn't help much when I get upset about something silly in the middle of a traffic jam? In fact, it is neither and it is both.

It is tricky to say whether one's life is wonderful or not. We could say that everyone's life is wonderful. When we are in a state of peace and calm and see things in a balanced way, we may decide to call anyone's life a wonder. Each moment of our complicated, difficult, even frustrating lives, is wonderful. So we could say that everyone has a wonderful life. Even if the person has to suffer all kinds of suffering. And we could also say that everyone's life is very, very difficult. And to some people it is so difficult that they call it suffering. And they actually do not want to have a life. So anyway, it is very difficult to say whether our life is wonderful, horrible or both. It depends on many viewpoints and situations. But I could easily say that my life is indeed wonderful. When I think back and recollect the most wonderful things I have experienced in my life so far, I could say Wow and wow and wow and I could go on wowing for hours or even days. And then I would stop because I would run out of memory. But I can also remember times when I felt extremely horrible, hopeless, lost, or at times I would shout out of sheer fury. And throw things around. It's interesting, but because right now I feel peaceful and content, I tend to think that my life is amazing. If you ask me in a few days, after having a couple of exhausting days at work, I may tell you that my life is too difficult. So it depends on how we feel at the moment of speaking. Anyway, you can imagine that my life is both wonderful and difficult, but I don't remember when I last felt really desperate. I would dare to claim that regular practice of zazen is extremely helpful when it comes to dealing with the most frustrating situations in our lives. I dare to say that zazen helps me return to a kind of balanced state even if I have experienced some pain or extreme frustration recently. I don't remember when I last had a talk about Buddhism and had to lie and pretend that Buddhism helps me have an OK life. Buddhism, or rather zazen and some Buddhist philosophy does help me have an OK life. But it is sometimes a very difficult life, sometimes my mind is far from balanced and sometimes you would be sure that I am a nutcase. But no matter what,  I do believe that studying Buddhist philosophy and practicing zazen helps me, personally, always return to some kind of balanced state and go back to that terrible little job that I can't seem to be able to finish or go and apologize to my girlfriend or my students or whomever I caused a trouble.  And I do believe that to you, if you sincerely study Buddhist philosophy with a good teacher and learn to practice zazen regularly from a good teacher, I am sure you can also find a way to return to a balanced state over and over again, even if only once a week or once a month, but that would be quite extreme, and find your true self , a moment of awakening - not satori, I mean just simply being at the moment without thinking too much -  in the middle of a gray misty street on the way to work on Monday morning.

But back to the problem of "a Buddhist life". When we begin to practice Buddhism we usually have an idea about an enlightened master or a great, peaceful philosopher, or a super humble, innocent grandma wearing old rags and feeding some orphans and cats. Now those are Buddhists, you may say. I think it is quite natural to be very, very idealistic at the beginning of our Buddhist studies. On the other hand, I am not saying that an experienced Buddhist must be, no matter what, the same old idiot who argues with everyone over and over again, considers himself a master of zillion arts, is not happy with his latest model of Mercedes S class, has a dozen of mistresses that he beats on a regular basis and is going to blow up his neighbor's house because his neighbor's kids touched his Mercedes S class when jumping around in the street. I am not saying that learning about Buddhism and practicing zazen leads nowhere, that we cannot make any progress and cannot become better people. And I am not saying that only a special few ones will attain the secret truth of Buddhas and the ordinary folks have to do without the supreme enlightenment and go home with a confused mind and feeling that there is something missing. No! Sorry I am shouting but I have to. I am saying together with master Dogen that there is something wonderful about dharma, the simple moment of practice-realization, the moment we just sit like a buddha and at the same time become a buddha because we are a buddha. That is wonderful and you don't have to be a special talented or chosen individual to experience the state of buddha. I agree with master Dogen that once we cut through the nets of words, and replace them with practice and experience, no matter if that practice and experience is zazen or cooking pasta, at that moment, when that happens, we are on par with ancient masters. And on par with pebbles, walls and fences. And master Dogen says that just sitting here and now in zazen is cutting through the nets of words and being immediately on par with ancient masters. So I absolutely agree that practicing zazen and forgetting words and just acting here and now is wonderful and I dare to say that I do have some experience practicing zazen, forgetting words and acting here and now.

But at the same time, although reading about Buddhism and reading about zazen may sound like going to a special world, a special temple, where everyone is wonderful and buddha and enlightened, the truth is that it is important to stop making a division between practicing zazen on the one hand and dealing with nasty situations in our everyday life. We must stop making a line between what master Dogen says about enlightenment and our very ordinary lives, our everyday situations. Because essentially, they are the same. So it would be a huge mistake thinking that we can play an enlightened master for a while when we burn incense, sit in zazen and read a few beautiful sentences about how amazing dharma is, as if incense, zazen and reading a few Buddhist sentences were a mere children's game and not our real experience. It would be a huge mistake to imagine that we can play Buddhists but real Buddhists are far away in the mountains, making straw sandals and talking to grass. We may imagine that we are only allowed to have a short glimpse into the wonderful, pure world of enlightenment, when we bow in front of the altar, burn incense, sit quietly in zazen and listen to some wise words of ancient masters. Once we have to leave the dojo and head to the toilet, take a shit, we have been rudely expelled from the Buddhist theater and must admit that we are only pitiful, stinking, useless, hopeless, stupid ordinary people who understand nothing. But true Buddhist teaching and experience couldn't be farther from that notion. In fact, once we stop playing a Buddhist in the dojo and actually go to the toilet, this is where our true Buddhist life begins. That's when we can really and deservedly shake hands with ancient masters. Not when we hope to become Buddhists or pretend we are ones, but when we dodge a lady rushing out of the kitchen with a hot pot in her burning hands. So the task is to realize that whenever we sit down and practice zazen, we are not holier or more special or closer to enlightenment than when we check the oil in our car's engine bay. And to imagine closer or father away from enlightenment would also be a mistake. We are there - in practice and experience of the truth -  just when we do something.

So this is a point I have to stress. The whole idea about what makes a great or true Buddhist is not so much about what you have attained or achieved or what you have become, rather what you have forgotten about yourself and others so you could do something completely now. And now. And now. And tomorrow. And next year. So the whole idea about a Buddhist who has solved all their problems and now smiles and plays with mudballs in the fields or insects in the mountains, it is a nice idea and for some historical and cultural reasons, there were probably many Chinese or Japanese monks who ended up playing with insects in the woods. But that is not the point or the meaning of Buddhism. The point is that you are doing something, be it shopping in Lidl or cleaning your skateboard or teaching your daughter how to make tea, you are in the same situation like those Chinese monks playing with foxes and pushing oxen or kicking their own asses or kicking each other's asses or the oxen's asses. It doesn't matter what it is, you cannot expect a 17th century Chinese monk deal with credit cards and buying air tickets to visit his grandchildren over the sea in Korea. It wouldn't be fair. They had to deal with oxen and mudballs, we deal with air-con and repellents. And no kind of super human Buddhist master may expect a person of  decent education and healthy mind to live in the woods and walk barefoot and chant sutras twelve hours a day.

Anyway, I think I am living my life in a way that is somehow naturally based both on my childhood experience and my genes, but also, on my Buddhist practice and study. I just feel my life has been strongly influenced or even positively diverted by that practice and study. At the same time, someone who doesn't understand the meaning of Buddhism at all, may not see any, I mean any trace of Buddhist practice or study in my everyday life. (Essentially we should not leave any trace of Buddhist practice or study, there is nothing special about a Buddhist that should stand out and be obvious, but I still think that if we have some experience in Buddhism, we can notice that we are not as confused as in the past and we have a bit more clarity about who we are and who we are not).  To them, I am just an ordinary person who gets upset too often. Someone who worries too much too often. Someone who cannot finish a simple daily task. Someone who has funny ideas about funny things. These people, actually, are right! I am that stupid and silly. That is absolutely true. But at the same time, and that is something they just cannot see, I am immensely grateful and strangely happy. I can sit down and practice zazen right now and deep down I know nothing is lacking. I am not seeking something better than this very moment of experience, or in the words of master Dogen practice-experience. To me practice- experience is the most I can get, so I am not hoping to get more than that. Even if I sometimes hope to buy that Lancia Fulvia 1600, deep down I know that practicing zazen or driving my little Panda is better if I do  it now and completely. So I don't know if you can say that I have a wonderful Buddhist life, but you can definitely say that I am a fool.

A Glimpse of Beauty

This time it will be easier for me to ask myself questions and answer them, rather than trying to write a usual text where I just explain things.


I hear it is important to practice so that there is nothing to get in the end. Some teachers say that there is nothing to get or that we should not try to get something from practice and study. But that is the very opposite of our human nature, isn't it? I suppose most people come to a dojo in order to get some kind of peaceful mind, at least, some have "higher aspirations", trying to attain enlightenment, some others would like to become teachers one day. It is almost impossible to find a practitioner who has no expectations from practice or from the philosophy or from the teacher. 

Of course, most people or maybe everyone at the beginning wants to get something. Nobody will begin to practice and study Buddhism without any goals on their mind. At least they will want to figure out what Buddhism is about, or what zazen is about.... or who the teacher is really or who they are really. So we can hear, sometimes, practice and study in order to find the truth, or in order to become oneself, or become truly oneself... Most teachers set some kind of goals, of course. And if they don't tell you why you should practice, they sometimes ask you: Why do you practice? They want you to figure out why you practice. Because when we figure out why we practice, we basically know who we are. So after all why and who is the same. If a teacher asks you: "Why do you practice?" You can answer: "Myself". That sounds very selfish. But I don't mean "myself" as only myself and I don't care about others. I mean Here I am right in front of you. This is a fact. So the question why has a simple answer: Reality. It is not why we practice but who practices. That who, when doing something right now, is the question why and the answer at the same time. When a monk asked a master: What is the meaning of Buddha's teaching? The master said that he needed to go to the toilet. In other words: Why do you, master, practice and study Buddhism? Why do you teach Buddhism? The master answers: As for me, I am going to the toilet. This is the purpose of Buddhism. To exist in reality. Not to look for reality or hope to attain some kind of special wisdom or knowledge or enlightenment. If you ask me why I practice zazen, my silly mind may come up with silly answers, like it makes me feel good... or because I can answer questions better after zazen... but those are our mind's rather funny ideas. Our mind, usually, wants something, wants to get something. No matter what the others get. But our original mind is just staring, eyes wide open, wide open, mouth wide open... staring, that means our original mind is just getting what is here and now, no matter what it is. Cold or hot, dark or bright, loud or quiet, the original self is just wide open. It is not getting anything from anyone or anything. It is not practicing zazen and getting original mind. There is no getting in original mind. There is only existence. Are trees or birds getting anything in the morning, in the afternoon or in the evening? They just exist, moment  after moment. We human beings usually forget how wonderful it is just to exist, just to open to whatever is right here and now.


So that original mind, as you put it, that original mind is not something we get thanks to practicing zazen or studying Buddhism? 

Original mind is not something you get, it is something there is. It is not a new understanding or a new state of mind or a new kind of wisdom. It is as new as an old wall that has always been there. It is as wise as a lamp post. It is as yours as it is Donald Trump's or Gautama Buddha's. So we cannot practice in order to get that Original Mind. If we practice in order to get Original Mind, it wouldn't be different from practicing and studying Buddhism in order to get two eyes, one nose and one mouth. Only people who don't have two eyes could try to get two eyes. But we usually have two eyes, one nose and one mouth, so there is no need to practice in order to get Original Mind as it is what we already have.

So the problem seems not that we don't have It, rather we don't realize we have it. But then you could say that the purpose of practicing is realization of the fact that we do have Original Mind already. 

Yes, but that is not something to get. It is not something you add to your life after getting something. It is something you notice as your actual experience, your actual You. Our mind always wants to make reality into something to get or lose.  This is how we become misled by our mind. It creates a concept of "getting Original Mind". But there is no such thing as "getting Original Mind". That which we cannot find, cannot name, cannot get, cannot grasp, is Original Mind. It is really nothing we could find or lose.

So why talk at all, why discuss the goals of Buddhism or say that there is no goal in Buddhist practice, if we cannot seriously or correctly decide what the goal is as everything we say is wrong or only a product of our Deluded Mind? 

Well, of course, it is very difficult or in a way impossible to grasp with words what the meaning of Buddhism is, as the true meaning is just our simple existence in the real world and that real world cannot be found in the news or books, only right here. So what is right here already is completely the meaning of Buddhism. But to most people that means that the situation is somehow static:  If there is only here and now, then there must be no reason why to practice as they see practice as something we do in order to get something. It is popular to say that the goal of practice is enlightenment. If we correct that misleading term and say awakening, it is closer to reality, but what is awakening? If one wakes up, they don't get anything, they just see things, hear things, smell things... so they are just living in reality, right here, right now. They are not in a state of ecstasy or spiritual achievement. Yet they are completely here and now. The problem is that most people imagine that being here and now is not our usual situation. But it is the most usual situation. So we could say awakening is the most usual situation that occurs to us many times a day. Then to practice in order to wake up would be very strange. As soon as we stop trying to get something and just practice zazen, that is the most usual situation we can get and still it is awakening. As soon as we hope to attain a better state, it is falling asleep, or delusion. As soon as we judge ourselves or our zazen instead of just doing it, we go astray and lose our awakening.

But don't you think some people may say that they attain a state of balance thanks to zazen? Plus practicing zazen every day for many years must have some very nice effects. So obviously, there is a cause and effect. 

Cause and effect, that is what most people consider all the time. And it is very important part of our lives, but the other aspect of reality is just what is here right now. And that is what most people cannot appreciate. So they practice so called meditation hoping to attain or get something. Buddha Gautama found out that just sitting here and now is the treasure or the secret he had been looking for so hard. After trying so hard for many years suddenly he found the ultimate value of the present moment, the present situation. So zazen is not going somewhere, but stopping, sit down here, and stop doing anything, stop trying to get anything. Buddha did not know this until he found out, but we already know that he found that so we can practice that present dwelling, dwelling at the present moment, the most usual situation there is. We are always present, so it is the most usual. At the same time, it is the most extraordinary, because we cannot keep it. The present is more special than diamonds or pearls. We can keep a diamond, but we cannot keep a present moment. Yet, most people wave away this experience as profane and look for something spiritual. Just sitting here and now is not spiritual enough to them. But Buddha means just doing something here and now.      

The problem of modern civilization is that it believes in Purpose and forgets the Essence. Because human beings have long forgotten the essence of our activities, we are trapped in trying to get something all the time, always trying to get somewhere, to improve something, while messing up the whole world and ourselves in the process because most people are too busy and too eager to get something. They always want to get something because they have no clue what they are getting at each moment. So being blind to reality which is directly in front of their eyes, they tell others and themselves: Let's try to attain enlightenment. Let's try to build the tallest building in the world. Let's make our country bigger than the next one. So we often do things in order to make something better but in the process we basically very ofter make things much worse. We should be very grateful that we can practice and experience Buddha Gautama, the same thing.  There is the experience of just sitting and it is possible to notice or recognize the quality of just sitting and be grateful. It is possible to completely wake up from time to time, I don't know, even many times a day. And it is possible to realize that such awakening into what is just here and now, in front of us, is the most important aspect of our lives.

So we can replace ideas with our actual experience here and now. This replacing "why" with "open your eyes to what is here", this is just a simple action of opening, getting this what is here, not getting any benefits, anything better, it is not going somewhere, it is the opposite, it is the very stopping, not trying to get something, but getting what is right here.

So you would say that practicing and studying Buddhism is not trying to get something, rather finding what we are getting right at this moment?               

It is very difficult for us, intelligent human beings, to see clearly what is right in front of us. It is difficult to see the value of what is right here. It is difficult to imagine that having breakfast in the morning is the highest purpose of our life. And if right now you are not having breakfast, then of course, the idea of having breakfast as the highest goal is only a strange idea.  But I am not talking about images or ideas about having breakfast. It was only an example. I mean a very ordinary situation right now may be the most important experience in our lives. Why most important? Because each moment is the most important moment. But first it is necessary to find what is here and now. If you are eating a banana, then it is eating a banana, which is the most important thing ever. You are what you are doing right now, you are not Why, you are Doing something. So the same way, zazen is not about why we practice zazen, it is doing zazen. People will always ask you: Why do you practice zazen? Are you trying to attain enlightenment? But you can say, no, I just practice zazen, that's all. They will say: But why? And you can say: This question is the very reason Buddhism exists. People don't know why they are alive. They want to know why they should live. Buddha found out that it is necessary to shift from asking why to the very experience itself. The experience itself is the answer.

So living stupidly, without a purpose, isn't it regressing to the level of animals? 

I didn't say we should have no goals or intentions. No, we are living in  the world of people and it is a very complicated, a very complex network of plans and intentions. We must tiptoe through this complicated world. It is easy to mess up too many things. When I get sick, I go to the doctor and the intention is clear, I want to be  healthy again. But while I am going to the doctor, driving my car, at that moment, that is all that matters. So between getting sick and getting medicine, there are thousands of moments where we are real, living in the real world, each moment matters, each moment is an opportunity to completely realize our Original Mind, to wake up and see clearly. The plans and intentions are just some aspects of our lives but they are not the essence. The "why" is not why we live.  So we could say that the first step is to ask "why". The second step is to practice, rather than discuss our life intellectually. The third step is to see that the practice itself is the answer. So of course, the result is practice that has no end... no expectations... because there is no why, and as there is no why, there is no specific result of practice that we should pursue. So we can practice zazen just like trees grow and the wind blows... no specific reason, no specific results, just amazing actions within the perfectly imperfect universe.